A Series of Quadfortunate Events
by JustVilda Potter
Summary: The Harper quads Nicky, Ricky, Dicky & Dawn go down to Florida, to meet the Baudelaires; Violet, Klaus and Sunny. But after the children's parents send them down to Briny Beach, they get horrible news about a fire that killed all four parents. This throws them into a long and complicated series of unfortunate events.
1. Old Friends

**Yaaaay! Crossover!**

**Now here's a bit of information and stuff. **

**If you're from the A Series of Unfortunate Events fandom, it's not necessary you watch Nicky, Ricky, Dicky & Dawn.**

**If you're from the NRDD fandom, it's not necessary you watch ASOUE.**

**If you've seen both shows (or read the ASOUE books), then great! It's also completely okay if you've only seen one of them, or haven't seen either one!**

**I do suggest you just google their names and look at pictures though, so you get a face to imagine to give the story more life. I at least find it more enjoyable that way.**

**Now what is this story? Well, it's basically just A Series of Unfortunate Events, but I threw the Harper quads in, changed some events, changed some things, added some new scenes, new perspectives and new plot points. **

**The ages go like this; Start of season 2 for the Baudelaires (Sunny's way better in the later seasons), and season 3 ages for the quads.**

**Since we don't know _when_ the series of unfortunate events take place, I'm going to change some things up, and say it takes place in 2017. **

**Now let's go!**

* * *

Bertrand and Beatrice Baudelaire looked out the bay window. They weren't speaking verbally, but they were thinking the same thing. Both of them stared out into the rainy Florida weather, with their eyebrows pulled together, a worried glint in their eyes, and their hands grasping their elbows. A concerned thought about their three children, Violet, Klaus and Sunny was filling their minds.

Violet was the oldest Baudelaire. She was fourteen years old, and an amazing inventor.

Klaus, the middle child, and only boy, was twelve, and had a vast interest in researching.

Sunny was the baby (more of a toddler) of the family, at only two years old. The thing that made her interesting was her abnormally sharp baby teeth.

Not to mention that all three of these kids were smarter than most adults in this world. But strangely, that was one of the things that concerned the parents in the family at the moment.

About 2000 miles away from the Baudelaire mansion in Coastal Park Town, Florida stood a suburban house. On the couch in said house sat Tom and Anne Harper, watching TV shows. Unlike the Baudelaires, Tom and Anne weren't concerned about their children at all. They could very well hear their thirteen-year-old quads arguing about _something _upstairs, but they didn't bother to check what it was - the sound of Nicky, Ricky, Dicky and Dawn fighting about the tiniest things was heard every day.

Dawn was the so called "leader of the quads". She had unofficially assigned herself the official leader role for the quads, as she was the oldest, and usually the most mature.

Ricky could also be seen as the leader, as he was in the constant running for it. His argument for being the leader (seeing as he was younger by four seconds), was that he was much smarter than his sister.

Dicky was certainly not the smartest quad though. What he _was_ was the coolest quad. The cool quad and the ladies man, and only seven seconds younger than Ricky.

Nicky, youngest by thirteen seconds, was the cook of the family, and the most innocent quad. He was kind of a child-at-heart, and would often try - fail - to stay out of trouble most of the time.

Three of these children were nowhere near the academic levels of the Baudelaire children, and their lifestyle was completely different. Although there was one thing that would tie these families together. They just didn't know it yet.

* * *

After another few minutes of thinking things over, and worriedly staring out the window, the Baudelaire spouses exchanged a quick look. They nodded at each other, and turned away from the window.

"Children!" Beatrice, shouted. "Would you come to the library, please!?"

Most of the time, all three children would already be in there, but on this occasion, Bertrand and Beatrice had asked to have the library to themselves for a while. Violet and Klaus walked into the room, Violet carrying Sunny. They stopped a few feet away from the entryway, and stood there with smiles and straight backs.

Their parents forced a couple of smiles, before Beatrice gestured for them to sit on the couch. They did, and Bertrand and Beatrice sat down in the armchairs beside. The parents and children looked at each other for a moment.

"What did you call us in here for mother?" Violet politely asked.

"Well...," Beatrice started. She looked up at Bertrand for a final confirmation they were doing this. "We've been... _thinking_ about something."

The smiles on the children's faces faded, and concern grew in their expressions.

"What?" Klaus asked, worried and intrigued about what might be coming their way.

"You know how you're home schooled, and you all have brilliant minds," Bertrand continued to talk.

Faint grins appeared on Violet, Klaus and Sunny's faces at the compliment, and they all nodded.

"You pretty much act like adults already," Bertrand commented, causing his children to smile again.

"Thanks," Violet said.

"But that's what concerns us," Beatrice revealed.

The corners of the children's lips dropped again.

"What do you mean?" Klaus asked, leaning in a little closer to the armchairs.

Bertrand and Beatrice exchanged a quick glance.

"You _know_ that you're different than most kids your age," Bertrand told, and the children nodded.

"And it's worrying us that you're not getting to experience the joy of _being a kid,_" Beatrice added. She leaned forward and grabbed her son's hand. "Be honest with us now. Do you feel like you fit into your age group?"

Now it was Violet, Klaus and Sunny's turn to look at each other. The older two could see in each others expressions that they both had the same answer.

"No," Violet and Klaus answered.

Beatrice let go of Klaus' hand, and sat straight up again.

"What would you say to meeting some kids that are your age?" Bertrand asked. "Some kids that weren't raised like you."

"That sounds wonderful," Violet answered, now smiling again.

"Then it's happening," Bertrand grinned. "Bea," He turned to his wife, who grabbed her phone from her pocket.

She quickly dialed a number, and put the phone to her ear.

"_Hello," _Said a woman's voice from the other side of the phone. "_You're speaking to Anne Harper._"

"Hello, Anne. It's Beatrice Baudelaire," Beatrice replied. "We're doing it."

"_We are_?" Anne happily asked.

"Yes," Beatrice started smiling.

An excited squeal noise came from Anne's side of the phone.

"_We'll see you tomorrow_!" Anne exclaimed, before hanging up.

The next second, she put her phone down on the kitchen table, and ran over to open the pass door.

"Kids!" She shouted as she pulled the pass door open.

Four sets of eyes were turned from a game of monopoly to Anne.

"We're going to Florida!" Anne revealed.

"What!?"

"Really!?"

"No way!"

"For real!?" The quads excitedly shouted as they stood up and completely abandoned their game (which looked like it had caused much fighting during the last couple of minutes).

"For real!" Anne nodded, not a single bit less excited than her thirteen-year-olds.

"Are we going to Disneyland?" Dawn asked.

"Or The Wizarding World?" Ricky added.

"Or Norman's restaurant?" Nicky excitedly questioned.

"Or New York Pizza?" Dicky wondered, not bothered by the fact that they lived three blocks from a New York Pizza restaurant.

"No, we're going to visit one of my old friends," Anne explained quickly.

"Oh...," All four quads said in unison, and their interest and excitement slowly faded away.

"No, no, no! Don't '_oh_'! It's gonna be _fun_!" Anne pleaded, disappointed that they suddenly didn't want to go to Florida anymore. "She has kids!"

"We like to pick _our own_ friends mom," Dawn said, explaining why they still weren't as pumped up to go.

"But they live in a mansion!" Anne told them, doing everything she could to get their excitement back.

"Does it have a pool?" Nicky asked in the blink of an eye.

"Probably," Anne shrugged. "I mean what mansion in Florida _doesn't_ have a pool?"

All of a sudden the kids were up on their feet again.

"We're going to Florida!" They shouted, before celebrating to themselves.

"But why?" Ricky interrupted the mini party to ask. "I mean why are you suddenly visiting a friend 2000 miles away... that we didn't even know existed?"

"Honey you don't know any of my friends," Anne pinched her lips.

"I know Carly," Dawn abruptly said.

"She has friends?" Dicky asked.

Anne frowned at her third-born, before returning to Ricky's question.

"Well, I haven't seen this friend in years," She answered. "Her name is Beatrice, and we worked together as hairdressers in Florida before I met your dad and moved back to Colorado."

At the same time in Florida, Beatrice Baudelaire was explaining the same thing to her children.

"I haven't seen her in years, but her name is Anne. She was a hairdresser in the hair salon I worked at before pursuing bat training and opera singing," Beatrice explained.

"I don't remember the names of her kids, but I know there's a boy and two girls," Anne told her kids, at the same time as Beatrice told her kids;

"I don't know the names of her children, but they're quadruplets, and they're thirteen years old."

"Where do they live?" Violet asked.

"Colorado," Beatrice answered. "They'll come here tomorrow. We're meeting them in the Banking District Park at 10 am."

"That sounds great," Klaus stated.

"I can't wait to meet quadruplets," Violet said, her eyes sparkling.

"Me neither," Klaus admitted. "They're a scientific miracle."

"I can't wait to see a mansion!" Dawn squealed from her position; flopped on the Harper's couch.

"I can't wait to swim in their pool!" Nicky bounced excitedly.

"I can't wait to eat rich-guy pizza!" Dicky laughed.

"Dicky, they're not really a '_pizza-family,_'" Anne revealed as she walked past them in the living room. She disappeared up the stairs.

A wrinkle appeared between Dicky's eyebrows.

"How can a family not like pizza?" He asked.

The other quads shrugged, also puzzled by the statement that they didn't really eat pizza.

"I can't wait to check out their library!" Ricky broke the confusion.

"Really?" Dawn sat up. "The _library _of all places?"

"Who has a _library_ in their house!?" Ricky asked out loud, not caring about Dawn's comment.

"I bet they have a _huge_ flat screen TV!" Nicky said.

"They're not really '_TV-people'_, Nicky" Anne said as she came down the stairs again.

Nicky gaped.

"Who are these people!?"

"People who don't like pizza or TV," Anne answered, stating the obvious before she disappeared into the kitchen (she was already packing).

"I think they might be crazy," Dicky hissed, quiet enough so Anne wouldn't hear.

"Crazy or just not '_pizza-and-TV-people,_" Ricky commented.

"I'm definitely going with crazy," Dawn decided. "Like, what are we supposed to do at their house?"

"Swim in the pool," Nicky gladly reminded her, fluttering his hands (one of which were holding a pair of swimming goggles).

"All day?" Dawn asked.

"I don't even like swimming," Ricky said. "I'm just gonna be in the library."

"The city they live in has _plenty _of fun things!" Anne opened the pass door. "It has fun districts, a dock, some beaches, and some very interesting restaurants"

"Restaurants?" Nicky turned his heads. "Like what?" the chef inside of him was burning out for answers.

Anne just shrugged, and closed the pass door.

"I wanna go to the beach," Dawn stated demandingly.

"Wait, shouldn't we let _the other kids _decide some things," Dicky suggested.

The quads looked at each other for a second, before deciding on an answer.

"Neeeeah," They all shrugged.

"It's not like we're going there _just for them,_" Dawn snorted.

But of course, as you know, they _were _going there _just for them_.

* * *

**Yaaaay! The first chapter of my crossover is done! The thing that I love so much about this crossover is the fact that these two families are so different! They're nothing alike, as you can see in this chapter. **


	2. New Friends

**Review Response**

_**VeronicaWeasley **_**\- Yeah there's absolutely ****_no _****connection at all *wink wink*. It's all just a big coincidence. I definitely did not just need a state for Coastal Park Town to be in, and I chose Florida because it seems like a nice vacation place.  
I don't like pizza either honestly! I don't get the hype, as I only like ****_one _****pizza I've tried. Ever.  
Who cares about those smaller details like the main story? *Scoff***

**And now for the chapter!**

* * *

The airplane slowly regressed its speed as it rolled on the landing runway. When it got to a good, slow speed, it started turning to go to a safe place to let all the passengers get off. It was soon in place, and the captain's voice immediately echoed out into the plane, instructing all the travelers to wait patiently to get out.

This of course, made the impatient quads cranky.

"Come ooooon!" Dawn moaned, tilting her head back in her seat.

"This is gonna take _forever,_" Ricky declared while he sunk back in his seat next to Dawn.

"And I don't even have any mini pizzas left," Dicky said in a frustrated tone, holding up the empty box of mini airplane pizzas.

"How do you even eat those?" Nicky looked over at Dicky from his seat on the other side of the aisle.

"They're delicious," Dicky answered, completely dismissing Nicky's food critique.

Both of the boys rolled their eyes at each other and leaned back in their respective window seats. Dicky made a mental note (which he would most likely forget) to get these mini pizzas on the way home as well, and Nicky removed his ear buds from his ears. By the time they had done that, the aisle was cleared, and Tom and Anne got up to get their carry-on-luggage.

"Pink, yellow, blue, green...," Tom mumbled while he handed the small bags to each quad.

Lastly Tom got his and Anne's luggage out, and slowly but surely, the family made their way out of the airplane. They went through the passage between the plane and the airport, and started their walk towards the baggage claim.

They walked... and walked... and walked.

"How far is this place?" Nicky complained after a five minute walk through the place.

"We've walked past like twenty signs pointing to the baggage claim!" Dawn yelled as they passed yet another sign with letters and arrows.

"A lot of people go to Florida," Anne declared. "I guess they need a _big airport._"

"There it is!" Dicky shouted.

He was pointing towards a big station of the airport, with a bunch of conveyor belts. The quads immediately made a run for it, and reached it in a few seconds. A minute later, about the time when Tom and Anne reached them, the suitcases came rolling.

"I see mine."

"There's mom's."

"Mine's not here yet."

"Ricky, there's yours."

"I got mine."

"Where's mine?"

"Nicky, give me mine."

"Where did it go?"

After a few confused minutes, each one of the Harpers had their luggage, and they were strutting out of the massive airport building. For the first time, they felt the Florida heat. The gate out lead them right to the pick-up-place for the busses. About a dozen big white busses were parked there, all going to different locations in Florida. The fourth bus on the right from the Harpers had the green text "_Coastal Park Town_" spelled across the front top.

So the Harper's got on the bus, and were officially on their way to the Baudelaires.

* * *

"They're on their way," Beatrice told Bertrand a minute after she got Anne's text. "Are the children ready?"

"Ready as ever," Bertrand stated.

"Then we should go to the Banking District."

"Let's go then," Violet said as she walked down the grand staircase in the hall, carrying Sunny. Klaus was close behind her.

The family walked out of the mansion together, and over to their car. Bertrand and Beatrice got into the front seat, and the children sat down in the back. Then they were off. Bertrand drove out of their mansion estate, and out on the road.

"What are we going to do with them, mother?" Violet asked.

"We were thinking of taking them to eat at Sliced Bread," Beatrice answered. "That restaurant is apparently out of fashion right now, so not many people will be there."

"So the first thing we're doing is taking them to an out-of-fashion restaurant?" Klaus jokingly said, his lips curving into a smile.

"Only if they want to, of course," Bertrand confirmed. "If they want to go to the beach, the park or to our house, then we're fine with that."

"Guest's choice," Beatrice said plainly, but happily.

"Inventions," Sunny said, meaning she wanted to show them some of Violet's inventions.

"Maybe Sunny," Violet told her younger sister. "It depends on if the quadruplets want to look at my inventions."

"If they're even remotely interested in inventing things, they'll want to look at them," Klaus stated.

"Bite!" Sunny shouted happily, and Violet translated it to "I hope they have something that's fun to bite."

"Maybe they have some good food for you," Klaus shrugged at Sunny.

Beatrice giggled from the front seat.

"I still don't understand how you translate her."

"We've just spent enough time with her," Violet answered the indirect question and smiled.

* * *

The Harpers had arrived in Coastal Park Town, and with the help of a friendly taxi driver, they found their way to the park in the Banking District. Now they were just waiting for the Baudelaires.

Anne was excitedly looking around her, checking for any sign of them arriving. Tom was next to her, checking his wristwatch every ten seconds. The remaining nine of every loop, he picked lose strings of his shirt.

The quads were all gathered around a big rock, which was about as tall as Tom. Dawn, Ricky and Nicky stood leaning against it, while Dicky sat on top of it, looking out into the park.

A few minutes passed, without words (and without fighting and arguing, to Tom and Anne's relief).

"Car!" Dicky suddenly shouted, making all of the others flinch. His hand flew out into the air as he pointed to a car pulling into the park's parking lot. Tom and Anne immediately went over there, while the quads stayed by the rock. Five people got out of the car; a man, a woman, two children around the quads' age, and a toddler.

As soon as the adults who came out out the car were out they went to Tom and Anne. Tom and the man shook hands while Anne happily hugged the woman. When they let go of each other, the woman said something to the children, who stared walking towards the quads. When they rounded the hedge surrounding the parking lot, they stopped for a few seconds, presumably to take a quick look at the quads, to see who they were going to be spending the week with.

The quads looked up when they heard the sound of footsteps coming towards them, and so they spotted the Baudelaire's as well. About ten meters away from them stood a trio of children. A girl, a boy, and a little toddler girl, holding the older girl's hand.

The oldest girl had long brown hair. It was straight, and really well-cared for. She had bangs that covered her eyebrows, and that gave her sharply shaped face stand out when you looked at her. She wore a white button-up shirt, and a blue and white whale-patterned skirt. The two items of clothing were put together by a white belt at her waist. A maroon hair tie was hanging out of her skirt pocket, suggesting she tied her hair up a lot.

Next to the girl in the middle stood the only boy. He had a similar hair color to the girl, and their parents, and much like his father on the parking lot, his hair was nicely brushed on top of his head. Behind a pair of turtle print glasses were his dark hazel eyes, which looked serious, but humble. He was wearing a white button-up shirt as well, only that his was mostly covered by a grayish blue jacket. To the quads, he kind of looked like a teacher.

The toddler holding the girl's hand was the most different-looking one. Not just because she was a bunch of years younger, but also because of her blonde hair. At the moment, it was tied up in a mini ponytail on top of her little head. She was dressed up in a matching white button-up (the quads weren't sure if it was tradition, coincidence, or planned out), and a pair of blue dungarees over it. Unlike the others, she was smiling widely, revealing a few alarmingly large baby teeth.

They looked like a weird bunch to the quads. Really formal in a strange way. They barely looked like children.

However to the Baudelaires, the quads who were the weird ones.

* * *

It wasn't hard to spot the quadruplets when the three Baudelaire children rounded the hedge. Four thirteen-year-olds were hanging around a rock, and they looked a little similar. They stood out very much from the scenery in Coastal Park Town. The gray and rustic feel of the park was contrary to the quadruplet's appearances.

Violet, Klaus and Sunny stopped at a point about ten meters away from he rock. They started looking at the quads.

There was one girl, with long, wavy blonde hair, which was put up in a braided hairstyle. She wore a t-shirt with a tropical fruit print on it, and dot-patterned jeans. To protect her eyes from the sun, she wore pink sunglasses (although they weren't on her eyes, they were resting on her head). She was casually leaning against the rock, looking at the Baudelaire's the same way they were looking at the quads.

If there was any one of the quads who looked at least a little like the Baudelaires, it was the one in the middle of the three who were leaning against the rock. The shortest one, with blonde short hair. Out of the boys, he seemed the most formal, as he was wearing a black sweater-vest over a plaid button-up and a blue tie. His clothes were not extremely well matched, but he pulled the look off.

The one sitting on top of the rock was smiling at the Baudelaire's. His hair was carefully brushed, and it looked as though he had worked on it for a _long _time. They could definitely not say the same about his outfit. A grey and blue hoodie with the word "_Dude_" spelled out across the chest, and black jeans. It looked mostly like he had just ripped the clothes out of his closet.

They could definitely say the same thing about the last quadruplet. He stood out the most out of them, and he looked the most different. While the other three had different shades of blonde hair, his was dark brown. It was hard to confirm whether he had brushed his hair or not, as it was kind of a nice-looking mess. His clothes however, were kind of just a mess. A blue and white striped long-sleeve, under a green shirt with a bright print, and a pair of violently blue jeans.

They looked pretty strange to the Baudelaires. The quadruplets didn't fit into the general feel in Coastal Park Town, and it made them look odd. Something about them told the Baudelaires that they were definitely not anything alike these quadruplets.

* * *

After a minute of inspecting each others appearances, the two sets of children started walking towards each other, and met in the middle of the area of the park they were in. They stopped in front of each other. The Baudelaires smiled politely at the quads, and Dicky was smiling too (for unknown reasons).

"Hello there," Violet greeted the Harpers.

"Hi."

"Hey."

"Hello," three of the quads replied at the same time, only Dicky remaining quiet.

"It's very nice to meet you," Klaus said, and the quads slowly nodded.

"It's nice to meet you too," Ricky replied, not as happily as the Baudelaires.

"What are your names?" Violet asked.

"Dawn."

"Ricky."

"Dicky."

"Nicky."

"Those are nice names," Violet smiled. "I'm Violet Baudelaire, and these are my siblings Klaus and Sunny."

"Hey Violet, Klaus and Sunny," Dawn said, trying to lighten the mood in the awkward phrase exchange.

It seemed to work at least a little, as the Baudelaires smiles got a little wider, and the quads got grins on their faces too.

"We heard you are quadruplets," Klaus said.

"Yup, that's us," Dawn smiled proudly.

"We're the Harper quads," Nicky informed.

"I suppose '_quads_' is short for _quadruplets,_" Klaus said, and the quads nodded.

The conversation had finally turned into something.

"What is it like, being a quadruplet?" Klaus continued.

"It's great!" All four quads answered at the same time.

"But it _sucks_ sometimes," Dawn added.

"What's it like _not _being a quad?" Ricky asked. "Having your own birthday... and not always being associated with each other...," he stared off into space.

"It's good, and it's fun having variety in the family," Violet answered.

"It looks like you have quite the variety as well," Klaus said, gesturing to the quads' appearances, which strongly resembled they were really different persons.

"Yeah, we're nothing alike," Dicky confirmed.

"Who's the oldest?"

"Me," Dawn said, talking about herself as if she was a goddess in the moment.

"She's only the oldest by four seconds," The Harper boys made sure to clear up.

"He's the youngest by thirteen seconds."

"And he was born seven seconds after Ricky."

"So there are 24 seconds between Dawn and Nicky."

The Baudelaires slowly nodded to the quads unnecessarily dissected explanation of the birth order.

"Well, I am almost two years older than Klaus," Violet explained, continuing the conversation. "And Sunny is ten years younger than Klaus."

"So she's just two?" Dawn asked, pointing at Sunny.

Violet and Klaus nodded, smiling at Sunny, who was grinning from ear to ear.

"Okay," Dawn said.

In a second, the slight awkwardness was back. The two sets of siblings started to kind of avoid eye contact with each other, and it was soon completely quiet again. This time, it was Bertrand, Beatrice, Tom and Anne who came to the rescue. They walked up to their children.

"I see the seven of you have met," Beatrice commented as she stopped.

The Baudelaire and Harper children nodded.

"You wanna do something together now?" Anne asked, excited about the situation.

The seven children looked at each other; signals were sent, and they all nodded.

"Like... going to the Baudelaire's mansion?" Nicky suggested, remembering the possible incredible pool.

"Actually," Nicky's excitement disappeared when Bertrand uttered that word. "we were thinking you could go to Briny Beach to get to know each other."

"It's a perfect day to go to the beach," Beatrice stated.

"It's gray and cloudy," Ricky confusedly pointed out.

"That's what makes it perfect," Violet smiled.

The quads frowned at the Baudelaire's, who all seemed to agree about Violet's statement.

"The trolley's coming by any minute now," Bertrand checked his wristwatch. "You can take that to Briny Beach, and get to know each other a bit more."

"What about you?" Dicky asked, looking at his parents.

"Oh, we're going to the mansion. We have a lot of catching up to do," Anne answered, now excited she was going into a mansion soon. "We'll bring your luggage there! See you later kids!"

"Be home by four, please," Beatrice instructed as she waved to her children.

"Okay, mother," Violet waved as well, before turning around to walk up to the street to wait for the trolley.

"What time is it now?" Dawn asked.

"It's eleven am," Violet answered. "We'll make sure we're back at home in five hours."

Little did she know, in five hours, both her, her siblings, and her newfound friends were going to be in a whole other place.


	3. The Terribly Bad News

**Review Response**

_**VeronicaWeasley **_**\- Poor Nicky, he never got to experience the glory of a mansion pool.**  
**That was actually the part that was the most fun to write. The part about the quads thinking Klaus looks like a teacher is the particular comment I knew I would have in there from the beginning. I'm glad I nailed the Ricky and Nicky descriptions.**  
**Now this is the chapter you get to read now that you're back. (But that sentence makes no sense, because I'm writing it while you're still in Florida. I think I might have a Florida obsession, because I just made the Harpers go to Florida in ****_Oldest By Six Years. _Florida's just a great state for a vacation!**

**Chapter time! Oh, and I'm changing things up a little. In the first chapter I said I wouldn't include the first season of ASOUE, but it was too exhausting for me to find a way to incorporate all the important things into only the later seasons. So season 1 is now included!**

**From now on, the main points of the story all belong to Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler). **

* * *

The Baudelaires and the Harpers stood on the rickety trolley, on their way to the city's half famous, half infamous beach _Briny Beach_. The quads (especially Nicky) were pretty bummed out that they weren't going to the pool, but we're going to the beach on the off-season instead. Klaus and Violet kept saying that it was a perfect day for the beach, which the quads didn't get for a second. The sun wasn't even visible behind the clouds! Also, Anne hadn't given them their swim wear to bring to the beach!

"So what are we even supposed to do?" Dawn asked as they rode past a sign pointing to Briny Beach.

"Just make a good time out of it," Violet smiled.

"How?" Nicky asked, confused. "We don't have anything with us!"

"We'll have to come up with something," Klaus explained simply.

"So we're just gonna hang around and wait for something to happen?" Ricky asked, just as puzzled as his siblings.

"We can make something happen," Violet suggested.

"Like what?" Dicky asked.

Violet and Klaus exchanged a quick look at each other, and sighed. If this was what "_normal kids_" were like, then they'd rather be adults. A big red fire truck sped past the trolley, immediately catching the quads' attention.

"Oooh, a fire truck!" Dicky followed it with his eyes until it disappeared.

"Wonder where there's a fire...," Ricky pushed his eyebrows together.

"I have a shirt with a cartoon fire print with me," Nicky said, although it didn't really have any point in the conversation.

"It's just the official fire department," Klaus pointed out. "They don't have to be going to a fire. It could just be a car collision."

"Then why is it called a _fire _truck, and a _fire _department?" Dicky asked, sounding as if he thought _Klaus_ sounded stupid.

Violet interrupted their conversation about the fire truck by grabbing the receiver on the wall.

"Briny Beach please," she said cheerfully.

A minute later, the trolley slowed down on the wooden platform by the beach. To say the very least, the quads were disappointed by what they saw when they stepped off. The so called beach truly fit in with the aesthetics of the town.

The sky was as gray as ever... and so was the sand. It wasn't very clear if you could even call it sand. The whole ground was covered in a gray, damp mud-like sand. There were a few specks of grass and other leaf-bearing nature every here and there, but it didn't even out the amount of sorrow the place radiated. The water was not as blue as the quads had expected it would be in Florida. In fact, its color seemed to be a mix of blue, gray and black. It was hard to judge how deep it was, but one thing was certain. Anyone who got into that water would not reach the bottom fifteen meters out.

"Is _this _the perfect beach you were talking about?" Dawn asked, seriously wondering if the Baudelaire's were as smart as they sounded.

"We actually didn't say _the beach_ was perfect. Just the day," Klaus pointed out, in a Ricky-manner. Except he didn't sound half as know-it-all-ish as Ricky. He was actually calm about it.

"Do you come here often, or what?" Ricky looked around, frowning at each piece of the beach.

"Once a week or so," Violet answered. She sat Sunny down on the sand.

"What do you _do_ here?" Nicky said. He was going to ask if you could even swim in the water, but Sunny was too quick to answer his question.

"Bite!"

She was holding a rock, waving it in the air like she had found treasure.

"What my sister means is that we usually test Violet's inventions here," Klaus explained.

"With rocks?" Dicky looked down at Sunny and the rock with confusion in his eyebrows.

What happened next put both him and the other quads in a state of shock. Sunny brought the rock up to her mouth, and started chewing it, with surprising speed and power. When she was done with it, the dented rock was as smooth as a hardwood floor.

"Wow!" The quads uttered.

"It shocks most people the first time they see it," Violet revealed, giggling at their reaction.

"That is so cool!" Dawn squealed.

"Totally!" Nicky agreed.

He ran over to Sunny and squatted down beside her. Giggling cutely, she handed him the smooth rock. Nicky grabbed it, and a look of astonishment appeared on his face.

"Hah," He breathed. "It doesn't even have any drool on it!"

"Thank you," Sunny smiled, taking it as a compliment. Nicky couldn't help but smile back.

"This could come in helpful in cooking," Nicky said, still sounding a bit amazed, and inspecting the rock.

"You cook?" Violet asked.

"And bake," Nicky answered, giving himself a little credit for his skill and passion.

"He's actually really good," Dawn admitted.

"What do you do?" Klaus asked Dawn, joining in the conversation.

"Well, I can sing," Dawn said, putting her hand on her chest, feeling the ego-boost. "and I play soccer."

"I'm a reader," Ricky told them about himself.

"That's pretty similar to me. I'm a researcher," Klaus explained.

"I'm a cool-er-er," Dicky nodded proudly.

"That's not a thing," Ricky mouthed. Klaus' response was different though.

"When you say that you're a _cool-er-er_, do you mean that you're a device that helps you cool nourishment down, or that you're a cool person?"

Dicky just looked at him; his facial expression a little starstruck. It was pretty clear he had not understood a word of what Klaus just said.

"He means cool person," Dawn cleared it up. "At least he _thinks _he's a cool person."

"So is he one or not?" Violet asked.

"Not," Dawn, Ricky and Nicky agreed simultaneously.

"My school reputation speaks differently," Dicky confidently stated.

"Well, we don't go to a public school," Violet said. "We're home schooled."

"We're school-schooled," Dicky responded, making Violet furrow her brows a little with confusion.

"That's not how you say it," Ricky quickly corrected him. "We go to a _public school._"

"Yeah," Dicky said, as if he was explaining something obvious. "So we were school-schooled."

"That's not a word," Nicky pointed out.

In no time, the quads were throwing out different statements at each other. The Baudelaires just watched, smiling at the sight they were watching.

"So is this what it's like being a quadruplet?" Violet asked, stopping what was turning into an argument.

"Yeah, pretty much," The quads answered together again.

"It's pretty incredible that the human body can grow four babies inside it at once," Klaus stated. "Do quadruplets run in your family?"

"Ugh.. no!" Dicky looked away in disgust. "We _hate _running."

"And _no_, we're the first multiple birth in several generations," Ricky added an answer that actually made sense to the question.

"Who'th that?" Sunny suddenly said, meaning "_Who's that mysterious figure_". She was pointing towards the staircase which led down to the beach from a hill of dead grass.

A black man, dressed in a a gray suit and a black rounded hat was walking down towards them, carrying a briefcase. He was coughing loudly to himself, possibly because of all the dust.

"It only seems scary because of all the mist," Klaus said reluctantly. There was a layer of thin gray mist on the ground around the stairs the man was walking down.

"But who is it?" Ricky asked, frowning at the coughing figure in front of them. The seven kids all stood up and gathered in a spot together, Nicky carrying Sunny.

The man brought a handkerchief up to his mouth, and coughed a little more into it. First then, the Baudelaires spotted his face.

"It's Mr. Poe," Violet explained, smiling now that she knew. "He works at the bank."

"Then what is he doing here?" Nicky asked, wrinkling his nose. "This is hardly a _bank._"

By now the figure, Mr. Poe reached them. He was still coughing, but now that he seemed to have come to his destination, he coughed a final time, and put the handkerchief in his pocket. The Harpers, Baudelaires and Mr. Poe looked at each other for a moment. The Baudelaires, polite as they were, were smiling, while the quads just looked puzzled.

"How do you do?" Violet asked.

"Fine, thank you," Poe answered.

"What are you doing here?" Dicky frowned.

"I'm here with some news for you children," Poe smiled at them.

"What _news_?" Dawn questioned. As you might expect, she was extremely confused to why a banker was on the beach (the beach that had a sign that said "polluted water"), with news for them.

"I'm afraid that I have very bad news for you all," Poe revealed in a calm tone of voice. "Your parents have perished in a terrible fire."

All color left the Baudelaires and Harpers' faces. Violet and Klaus' smiles withered, and Nicky dropped Sunny's rock. It seemed like the whole world had just turned silent. Even the obnoxious crow in a tree was quiet. All the happiness from a minute ago was gone as well.

"W-what?" Dawn asked, not wanting to believe what she just heard.

"They perished in the fire that destroyed your entire home," Mr. Poe continued, referring to the Baudelaires as "your".

"No...," Nicky breathed out, unable to say anything else.

The Baudelaires' facial expressions were still blank, and sad as the black water behind them. Dawn seemed to be in denial, walking in circles around her feet, swaying slightly. Ricky was similar to the Baudelaire's, but there was a great amount of concern in the mix. Dicky looked like there was something about the situation he didn't understand (and there probably was), but he knew exactly what had happened to his parents. Sunny had thrown her arms around Nicky's neck, and was hugging him for comfort. Nicky hugged her back, while tears flooded out of his eyes, but he remained quiet.

"I'm very sorry I have to tell you this," Mr. Poe added. "But you can't go around life thinking it will all be fun and games."

"We know," Violet sadly said.

"Trust us," Dawn nodded. "-we do too."

"How did the fire... _start _exactly," Klaus asked.

"Oh, we don't know that," Mr. Poe answered plainly, as if he was talking about the weather. "All we know is that the Official Fire Department couldn't put it out, and the Volunteer Fire Department couldn't either. It's all just a big mystery."

Everyone went silent again, contemplating the situation. The Harpers and Baudelaires all tried to come to terms with their grief, while Mr. Poe was uncomfortably calm about the situation.

"Do you want to see what you have left?" he asked.

The children looked up.

* * *

Some ten minutes later, the Baudelaires returned to their home again, and the Harpers got to see the glorious mansion for the first time. Although it wasn't glorious anymore. The white material the mansion was made of was burnt to the ground, only leaving piles of ashes and burnt wood. A few walls stood straight, but they looked as though they could fall apart at any moment. It was clear that the mansion had once been a marvelous building, and a wonderful home. The Baudelaires knew that far too well, and the Harpers could only imagine it.

The group of eight walked in through the burnt down grand door. They had to carefully watch their step; anything they stepped on could break into ashes at the slightest touch. Together, they walked through the hall, into the ash-filled kitchen, the black living room, and finally, the burnt down library.

Books were scattered all over the floor. None of them had survived. The Baudelaires looked at it all in sorrow, heavily missing all the research and reading that had happened in this room. One of the things that had survived, and was standing up straight, was the desk in the middle. Bertrand Baudelaire's desk.

"It's all gone...," Violet said, emptily staring around the room.

"We have absolutely nothing," Klaus sadly implied.

"What are we supposed to do?" Asked Ricky.

"Don't worry Baudelaires and Harpers," Mr. Poe jumped in saying (but not so comforting). "I'll just have you know that you have absolutely nothing to worry about."

His comment didn't help at all. The two sets of children just kept walking around in the library, mourning everything they lost in this tragic fire.

"Wha's that?" Sunny asked as she and Nicky passed the desk in the middle. She was pointing to a small, cylindrical object in the half-open drawer.

Nicky looked down at it, and furrowed his eyebrows. He gestured for the others to come over there as Poe started talking.

"I am the executor of your parents' estate, which means I'll be handling whatever they left behind," he explained.

"What did they leave behind?" Violet asked.

"Financial security," Mr. Poe answered.

Meanwhile, Klaus had picked the item up. It looked like some kind of tiny telescope. It was of course very damaged by the fire, but you could still see some markings on half the device. On the end of it was some kind of glass hatch, with a weird symbol on it. Four bendy lines, and a circle. It looked kind of like an eye. Something that was clear about the object was that the lines the markings were on, you were able to turn around, but as Klaus tried to do so, the entire half of the item broke into ashes, leaving him with only the part with the eye symbol hatch.

"Your parents left behind an enormous fortune," Poe told the Baudelaires. "-which will be yours when Violet comes of age."

The Baudelaires and Harpers looked up from the strange device.

"Until then, you will be staying with a proper guardian of your parents' choice," Mr. Poe continued. "It was clearly stated by your parents that they wanted you to live with the closest living relative."

"What will happen to us?" Dawn cut him off, gesturing to herself and the boy quads.

"Oh, we couldn't find anything about where to put you," Mr. Poe simply answered, not even seeming bothered by it. "So you'll just go with the Baudelaires!"

"Who will we be living with?" Klaus asked.

"Interesting question, Klaus," Poe nodded. "You will be living with an actor named _Count Olaf_."

* * *

**Now we're getting into the unfortunate events! I just randomly decided while writing this chapter, that Nicky and Sunny are gonna be best friends, even though Sunny's eleven years younger than Nicky. **


	4. Count Olaf

**Review Responses**

_**Angryfanfic **_**\- Of course I'm continuing! I love this story too, and I'm exhilarated you love it.**

_**VeronicaWeasley**_** \- It's a real love-hate situation. It's hilarious to watch, but hella annoying, because it ruins so much for the Baudelaires.  
****I'm excited to write the Harpers' reaction to Count Olaf. And their reaction to everything. It will be hilarious.  
I will always keep writing!**

_**Maves1177 **_**\- First off, thank you so much! Secondly, here you go; an update! **

**Time for the story!**

* * *

During the short car ride to Kenny Street, the Baudelaires and Harpers got to know all the necessary information about their new guardian. That his name was Count Olaf, and he was employed as an actor. He was apparently some third-or-fourth cousin to the Baudelaires, removed an amount of times. Mr. Poe also told them that Olaf seemed very eager to meet them.

None of the children had ever heard of an actor named Count Olaf, but apparently, according to Mr. Poe, he was the Baudelaires' _closest living relative_. Violet, Klaus, Ricky and Sunny all had a strong feeling he was interpreting the phrase incorrectly.

Mr. Poe pulled up the car in a super nice street. There were cute little houses on either side of the road, all radiating a ginormous amount of happiness. Surrounding the houses were trees, bearing both green and pink leaves. Bushes and flowers were nicely planted all over the place as well. Both the Harper quads and the Baudelaires had to admit it was one of the nicest streets they had ever seen. It looked cozier than both the Baudelaire Mansion, and the Harpers' suburban.

Following the banker, the children walked up to a blue house, surrounded by a white picket fence. It was one of the most fairy tale-esque houses on the street. A lady, looking to be around fifty, dressed as a judge with a long black cloak and a white powdered wig was walking down the path to the door, carrying a few paper bags of groceries. When she saw the children, she lit up.

"Hello there!" She happily greeted them. You could immediately tell she was genuinely happy to see them, even though she didn't know them. "Salutations! Shalom!"

Just the sight of her, and the feel of cheerfulness she spread put a smile on all seven children's faces.

"You must be the Harper and Baudelaire children!" the lady continued.

"Yes, we are," Violet answered. "I'm Violet Baudelaire, and these are my siblings Klaus and Sunny" She nodded to Klaus and Sunny (who was still carried by Nicky).

"And I'm Dawn Harper, and these are my brothers," Dawn giggled.

"Ricky."

"Dicky."

"Nicky."

"What a pleasure it is to meet you children!" The lady grinned. "I am Justice Strauss of the High Court."

"Oh, and might I add-," Mr. Poe stepped in to say. "-I'm Mr. Poe. I work at Mulctuary Money Management, and I'm handling things for the children. Here's my card," he handed Justice Strauss a business card. "That might change soon though; I'm in line for a promotion."

Justice Strauss nodded, showing she understood, but she showed no great interest in his statement. Instead, she gladly turned back to the children.

"I'm sorry that I'm not shaking your hands, but as you can see, I'm a mountain of parcels," She started. "I bought a toolkit because my food processor is broken, but I don't know how I'm going to fix it, because I have no mechanical skills whatsoever-"

Violet smiled, thinking she could fix it.

"I also treated myself to some new file cards for my private library."

Klaus and Ricky's lips immediately curved up into grins.

"And now to top it all of, I just remembered that I forgot to buy a bread knife to cut up this baguette into bite-sized pieces."

Sunny looked up. The rest of the children couldn't help but smile at the Justice's rambling.

"We'd be more than happy to be of assistance," Klaus stopped her rambling.

"I could help you with your broken food processor, I'm quite advanced with mechanical devices," Violet stated.

"I'm quite adept at library science," Klaus said.

"I can help with that too," Ricky added.

"And I can help you cook a meal with that baguette," Nicky nodded to the baguette.

Justice Strauss gasped.

"How wonderful!" She breathed. "How lucky am I to have such unusual children in my life."

"Are you Count Olaf's wife or something?" Dicky confusedly asked.

Strauss looked a little taken aback.

"Oh no, goodness me, no no no," she answered. "I'm his neighbor, I barely know him actually. He lives over _there,_" she pointed her finger across the street.

The Baudelaires and Harpers turned around to look at the place where they would be living. Needless to say, they were certainly surprised... in a bad way.

The house across the street was a big, gray brick house. They were kind of reminded of the Briny Beach atmosphere by the sight of it, as the whole house just looked _dead_. Dead trees were scattered around the yard, and a few crows were resting on the branches. The house itself looked like something out of a horror movie with its un-cared-for outside, Victorian black fence around the roof, shapes of the windows, and several bricks missing.

Feeling the anxiety building up inside of them, the group walked over to the house. There was a slight heat change when they stepped onto what was counted as Count Olaf's garden. Now it was cold as well. Mr. Poe walked up to the severely uncleaned porch first (there were newspapers that looked to be weeks old on the doorstep), and he ringed the doorbell, which gave out a creepy melody. He had to press it twice before they could hear footsteps running towards the door from the inside. When the footsteps stopped right inside, they could hear something practicing their different types of "_Hello_", probably thinking Mr. Poe, the Baudelaires and Harpers couldn't hear him.

Then the door opened.

Inside stood a man; around six foot tall, and probably 30-40 years old. He had his brownish gray hair in a really weird hairstyle, with a very receding hairline, and all of the seemingly non-obedient hair combed back. It still stood out a lot.

On his chin was a little gray stubble. The last part of hair on his face was his _one _extremely ungroomed eyebrow, reaching from over one eye to over the other.

He had blue eyes, with a glint of evil in them, and an abnormally large nose. The slightly colored teeth in his smiling mouth looked like they had been placed in the right spaces, but carelessly. Some were slanting, while some were too big, or too small. Everything on his face was just a mess.

The actor wore a dark dark blue button-up jacket, and matching pants. An ugly-patterned yellow scarf was tucked in under the jacket.

"Hello, hello, hello _children,_" He slowly said, repeating the last practice-hello they had heard.

All four Harper quadruplets subconsciously took a step back at the sight of him and his horrid smile. They had never seen anyone who looked anything like this. Dawn wrinkled her nose, the two middle quads frowned, and Nicky took a tighter grip around Sunny, as if Count Olaf would unexpectedly grab the two-year-old out of his hands.

The Baudelaires were a little more polite, and forced smiles towards the strange-looking man. Meanwhile the Harpers scanned the Count from top to bottom. They all stopped when they spotted a tattoo on his ankle. An eye; consisting of two circles and three bent, vertical lines. Just like on the weird object they found in the ashes of the Baudelaire mansion...

"_I _am Count Olaf," The man inside spoke in a dramatic, and a bit slurry (like he was mildly drunk) voice. "Renowned actor, and your new guardian," he gestured with his hand while talking.

Everyone quietly and awkwardly looked at the apparently "renowned" actor. He kept his sly smile on his lips as he broke the silence with;

"You're welcome," he indirectly told them to thank him.

"Thank you," Violet said, picking up the hint. She could feel that she definitely did not mean what she said.

"You're welcome," Count Olaf repeated. He then continued with the same, dramatic and low voice. "Please, come in. And don't forget your enormous fortune."

He gladly glared at the Baudelaires as he uttered the last part, before he gestured for them to enter his home. They did.

The house owner really fit in with the house's aesthetics. Gray, boring, and dirty. It clearly hadn't been cleaned for who knows how long? Ricky coughed as soon as he stepped into the hall. The floor was covered in dust, old papers, garbage and leaves. The walls were pretty much broken down, and the only unscratched thing was the wallpaper in some places (a gray eye-pattern). But on all the other wallpapers, big chunks had been ripped off. There even seemed to have been some holes in the wall, which the Count had covered with a few planks. The furniture was really old-school-looking. Round edges, fancy carvings and dark colors. In fact the whole house was dark. The brightest thing in there was Nicky.

Another thing which there was plenty of was spider webs (which mildly freaked out the Harper boys). It looked as though no one was even living in the house. At least no one who bothered to clean or take care of it. But the almost strangest thing of all was the amount of eye-shapes. They were everywhere. The same eye as on Count Olaf's ankle, and as on the strange device. They were on the doors, on the staircase, the walls, everywhere.

"Welcome to my humble home, orphans," Count Olaf slowly welcomed them.

"Thank you... _very much,_" Ricky said, carefully backing away from a spider on the wall.

It didn't seem as though Count Olaf had time to listen, because he was about to close the door, when he spotted Mr. Poe and continued talking.

"And... a man with a _hat _on."

"Poe," Mr. Poe nodded once, as a way to say "hello".

"Actually, I'm about to be rather wealthy, so if you excuse me-," Count Olaf responded, making the Baudelaires look up at him with suspicious faces.

"I'm from Mulctuary Money Management," Mr. Poe continued, cutting the actor, Count... or whatever he was off.

"_Money _sounds familiar," Olaf raised one side of his eyebrow.

Violet and Klaus furrowed their eyebrows again, and turned to the Harpers, who were doing the same.

"Why does he keep talking about money like that?" Dawn whispered.

"I don't know," Violet quietly admitted. "It seems a bit suspicious."

"_Very _suspicious," Klaus corrected. "Something tells me Count Olaf isn't our guardian because he cares for us"

"_What_ tells you?" Dicky asked.

"I _have a feeling_ it is that way," Klaus simplified.

"But you said that _something _told you-," Dicky continued, earning him a quick "shut up" from Ricky.

"Klaus thinks Count Olaf's gonna take care of us for money," Nicky explained, even clearer than Klaus.

"Thank you," Dicky nodded understandingly. "_Nicky,_" he irritably glared at Klaus.

Klaus' eyes were on Count Olaf and Mr. Poe though. So were Violet's, and even Sunny's. The two grown-ups still had their conversation about money and the bank.

"Every little cent of the Baudelaire fortune is locked up until Violet comes of age," Mr. Poe informed Count Olaf.

Count Olaf slowly leaned closer to Mr. Poe to ask;

"Which one's Violet?"

"The eldest."

Olaf got back up, and inhaled deeply. He looked at Dawn.

"Well then,... Violet," he said as dramatically as ever.

"Wrong girl," Dawn simply said, pointing towards Violet.

"Well then,... Violet," Olaf repeated, now looking at the right person. "I hope I can prove myself to be the father you never had."

"But... we had a father," Violet pointed out, but Olaf just rolled his eyes in response, and turned to Mr. Poe.

"Well... do I need to _sign _for them or anything?" He asked, revealing he surely knew nothing about what he was doing.

"What? No" Mr. Poe answered, sounding a bit confused at the Count's lack of knowledge about guardianship.

"Well... then, as we say in the theatre, exit stage right," Olaf said, adding extra drama to the word 'theatre'. He nodded to the door.

Mr. Poe quickly told them something about checking in on them, and them being able to ask questions at the bank, before Count Olaf shoved him out and closed the door The Harpers and Baudelaires were now alone with him for the first time.

Olaf took a few steps towards him. The floor creaked under his feet.

"Well, orphans. Before I give you a tour of your new home, aren't you gonna say 'how do you do?'" he smiled nonchalantly.

"No," Ricky whispered.

"How do you do?" Violet quietly asked, as commanded.

Their new guardian huffed, and rolled his eyes.

"How do I _do_?" He repeated, sounding as if it was the worst question he had ever been asked. Then he took a couple steps forward, and leaned forward to their level. "Better and better, Baudelaires and Harpers."

"Why are you so much better?" Nicky asked, worry held in his eyebrows.

Count Olaf huffed again.

"Well, very soon, I'll be an extremely _rich _man, so I hope that explains some of my happiness to you."

The children worriedly looked at each other again, wondering _what was he going to do that would make him so rich_?

"Now," Olaf took out a rolled up piece of paper from his jacket pocket. "do you know what this is?"

He rolled it out, revealing a bunch of things written on it.

"A list?" Ricky answered.

"_Wrong_!" Count Olaf immediately revealed. "It's a list. A list of chores. Brats like you have probably never done a chore in your life!"

For the Baudelaires, that statement was anything but true, as they often helped around the house. For the Harpers, it was partly true, as Tom and Anne often had to yell up the stairs five times for them to do a chore. Although now, something told them they would not dare to wait until they had been told five times.

"Shall we get on with the tour?" Olaf asked as he put the list back in his pocket. "I'll show you some of the delightful features of your new home."

He walked straight past them, and they understood to follow. Soon they were standing in the doorway to a room just as dirty as the hall. Dust, dirt, spiderwebs and the eye-symbol all over the place. In the middle stood a table, completely covered in dirty plates, pots, and some empty alcohol bottles.

Nicky gaped just at the sight of it. He had never seen a kitchen in such condition, even thinking about the fact that the Harper kitchen was often dirty, _and_ the fact that he never cleaned up after he had cooked or baked himself (Anne always did the cleaning).

"This is the kitchen, where you may help yourselves to meals. I expect you to keep everything in here gleamingly clean."

"_Gleamingly_ is not a word," Ricky and Klaus quietly pointed out.

Count Olaf didn't seem like he had heard them, as he continued the tour.

"The stove is like a servant," he told them. "sometimes you have to whack it in order for it to work," he kicked it hard.

A minute later, they were in front of a little room, which was in even worse condition than the rest.

"This is the library. You will keep it well dusted. I do all my reading in here," Olaf explained.

From the looks of the library, Olaf never read. It looked more like the place where he did all his... _drinking._ There were empty green glass bottles everywhere.

Another minute later, Count Olaf opened a double door, and simply told them it was the ballroom, which he didn't use.

"You'll have to redo the floors."

Cleaning was an easy enough task, but redoing floors was something that neither the Harpers or Baudelaires knew how to do at all.

"The laundry room," Olaf explained as he opened another door. "You can hang my underwear on that rack when you're done washing it."

Dawn immediately wrinkled her nose. Washing a grown man's underwear was not something she had ever planned on doing.

The backyard wasn't much better than the inside. According to Olaf, it needed to be mowed, weeded and pruned. For some reason, they were also to chop wood out there, which sounded strange to all seven children.

"Bathroom number seven; the only one you're allowed to use."

It seemed like the Count had chosen the very worst bathroom for the to use. There was a hole in the middle of the floor, and a rat ran across on the opposite side of the room.

The last room they entered was high up in the house, but the children were unsure which floor they were on. The windows were dusty enough to cover the view.

"This is where you will sleep, orphans," Count Olaf announced as he walked over to the middle of the room.

Right in the middle stood a small bed. Two just as thin beds were on the side of that one. Each bed looked rickety, and the Harpers and Baudelaires wondered how the seven of them were supposed to sleep in _three_ beds.

"Out of all the numerous bedrooms in this enormous mansion, I have chose this one for your safety and comfort," Olaf explained.

"But there's just three beds," Dawn pointed out.

"And is that a problem?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, I have also provided, at no cost to you, this complimentary pile of rocks."

Olaf gestured to a tiny pile of small rocks on the floor. He then slowly walked up to them, a smile on his face. A smile that unlike the other smiles, looked pretty humble.

"Thoughts?"

"_Thoughts_?" Ricky repeated, as if the question was a joke.

"First of all-," Klaus started, his tone revealing he was about to complain.

"First of all," Violet cut him off. "first impressions are often wrong."

"Very true. For example, your first impression of me may be that I am a terrible person. But in time, orphans, I hope you'll come to realize," he walked closer to them, and leaned forward again. "you haven't the faintest idea."

He left the room with that.


	5. The Dinner Plan

**Review Responses**

_**VeronicaWeasley - **_**Thank you very very much! The way that description was written was by me, pausing the show at pictures where I could see specific parts of the house.  
I had to include Dicky being stupid somehow, so that readers from ASOUE know he's not the brightest. I have a plan to show that in this chapter as well. And I didn't just want it to be the script with some additional comments from the quads.  
Seven people sharing one bed seems like a mission impossible thing, so it's not happening. Three was a reasonable number, seeing as they are four more people than normal, and Count Olaf is their guardian**

_**HollyHook (review on chapter 1) -**_** Well, I'm glad you like it, and I'm glad you're finally here! Hope you keep liking the coming chapters**

**Now for the fifth chapter!**

* * *

After a few short minutes of the two sets of siblings discussing Count Olaf's one eyebrow and ankle tattoo; how they ended up in this horrible place; and how they would live through it, their new wicked guardian slammed their bedroom door opened, and held up a mop and a dirty bucket of water.

It was time for their chores. Their great deal of difficult chores.

First they found themselves in their bathroom; bathroom number seven, crouching next to the white steel toilet, sink and bathtub. In their hands were toothbrushes, which was the only thing they were allowed to use to clean the dirt and rust. Klaus and Dicky intensely scrubbed the stains on the sink, Klaus sitting in the hole in the floor in order for them to fit. Nicky sat with him in hole, only that he was turned towards the bathtub, which he was cleaning along with Sunny, who stood on the side of the hole. The oldest three of the bunch; Violet, Dawn and Ricky had taken on the task of cleaning the toilet, which was by far the worst.

Dawn kept a steady look out in case the rat they had seen earlier would return, and her brothers actively avoided touching any spider web. They were even more keen on avoiding spiders at all costs. Nicky had even jumped out of the room when he spotted a big spider on its way out of the bathtub.

They had been promised that if they worked very hard on the bathroom they would get to go to the ball...room, which was even grimier than bathroom number seven. They wanted to get done with the chores as soon as possible, so they worked extra hard.

"This is taking _forever,_" Ricky sorrowfully complained when he entered the third minute of scrubbing the same stain.

"At this rate we'll still be here tomorrow," Dawn added.

"Then we have to redo _floors,_" Nicky reminded them, remembering what Olaf had said about the ballroom.

"Do you know how to redo floors?" Dicky asked, turning to the Baudelaires.

"No," Violet sighed. "Unfortunately."

"We don't have to worry about that _right now_, but soon," Klaus reassuringly replied. "We're almost done with the sink, so soon we'll be able to work much faster on cleaning the bathtub and toilet."

"Are you sure we want to do that?" Dicky asked as he frowned at the dirty bathtub. He shuddered at the spider, which was still in there.

"Of course we want to help them," Klaus said, as if he was annoyed at Dicky's question.

There was a short silence before Violet gave another unhappy sigh.

"This is such a malaise."

Klaus and Sunny nodded in agreement, while the quads showed confusion.

"What does _malaise _mean?" Nicky asked.

"It sounds like mayonnaise," Dicky unnecessarily pointed out.

"It means a feeling of general discomfort," Klaus explained.

Dawn huffed.

"Know-it-all," She mumbled, causing Klaus to turn his head to her.

"You asked!"

Dawn was about to say something back, when the door opened. Count Olaf stood in the doorway, a big piece of cooked lamb in his hand. He took a big bite out of it, and through the meat said:

"You missed a spot."

before leaving them again. The children had no idea where the lamb came from, but it all seemed a bit suspicious, as Count Olaf was clearly no cook. Little did they know that it was just an attempt at a kind gesture from the Justice next door to the children in this house...

* * *

Eventually, the children finished cleaning the bathroom, and got to move on. The strange and evil count was nowhere in sight, so they split up the work between them. Klaus and Ricky went to redo the ballroom floor, Nicky cleaned the kitchen (and of course brought Sunny with him), Dicky had to wash the laundry, and Dawn and Violet took on the task of dusting, and getting rid of spider webs.

It took them forever before they were done, but when they finally were, Olaf decided to show up again. The break they expected didn't last long, as he quickly took the list off their hands, and added a last word to it, on the back (which annoyed Ricky).

_Dinner_.

"You have to prepare a _large meal _for myself and my theatre troupe," Count Olaf threw the list on Klaus.

"We don't know how to prepare a large dinner," Violet hesitantly told him.

"Yes we do," Nicky said, sounding a bit offended at Violet's statement.

"Then you better get cooking," Olaf threateningly said, staring Nicky down.

"There isn't any food in the kitchen," Nicky quietly said, now looking at the floor, avoiding Count Olaf's stare.

"Then buy some," Olaf shrugged.

"We haven't any money," Klaus reminded him, to which Olaf just threw a greasy bag of coins at him.

"That right there, is hard earned money," Count Olaf raised his voice. "The most important substance on Earth, besides applause and lip balm."

The kids only had time to exchange a quick glance before Olaf continued.

"So while you make that food, I'll be... can you guess where?" He ingeniously asked.

"Your secret tower room?" Ricky guessed. They had supposed that's where he was during their chore session.

"_WRONG_!" The Count shouted. "My secret tower room! Which you are forbidden to go into! _Forbidden_! Understood!?"

"Forbidden," Violet and Dawn repeated simultaneously.

"That's-," Count Olaf started, before just blurring out random sounds for a second. "-yes!"

He left the room.

"That d'smaying," Sunny commented, meaning "_That was dismaying_".

The others nodded, before getting back on track. They sat down on their respective beds they had assigned themselves.

"How are we supposed to cook a meal for an entire theatre troupe?" Klaus asked.

Nicky excitedly stood up.

"Well, we'll just get a recipe, cook it, and add our own little special something to it if you ask me," Nicky explained, sounding a bit full of himself at the last part.

"Sounds like a good idea, Nicky," Violet smiled. "Do you think Justice Strauss has any cookbooks in her library?"

"We'll just go and see," Klaus shrugged.

And that's what they did. They left the awful building that was Count Olaf's house, and walked across the street, through the cherry blossom vault and down the path to Justice Strauss' house.

The Justice seemed happy, but lightly shocked to see them. It turned out she did have cookbooks in her library, and she kindly showed them where to look. She did make a few very questionable statements, and said some weird things, such as Count Olaf doing much for them, and them wanting to cook anything but lamb. The Harpers and Baudelaires thought nothing of it, as she also promised them that her private library was open to them at any time they liked.

Justice Strauss unlocked the doors to the private library, and led them into it. It was a tall, round room. The walls were entirely covered with bookshelves, filled with books so you could barely see the back of the shelves. In the middle stood a few small tables, and a few armchairs. She even had one of those movable staircases to be able to reach all the books.

She told them where to find the right books, and as Violet and Nicky went to find the best cook books, Klaus took out his notebook and pencil. When he felt in his pocket, his hand landed on another item first. He brought the strange, ash-covered device out from the pocket along with the notebook. Justice Strauss quickly noticed the weird object in his hand, and asked about it.

"It's something my parents had."

He handed it over to Justice Strauss, who examined it closely.

"Something, Klaus Baudelaire, is ringing a very faint bell," She said after looking at the eye symbol on top. "Let me check it out."

While she pushed the movable stairs to another shelf, Klaus joined the others at a table. Nicky and Violet were seated in a couple of armchairs, while the other Harpers hung around the table, and Sunny sat in Violet's lap.

"We think we've found something," Nicky revealed, grinning at a page in the cookbook.

"Pasta Puttanesca," Klaus read aloud. "I wonder what that means in Italian."

"Well, that doesn't matter right now," Nicky snorted.

The group of children quickly planned how they would make the meal in Count Olaf's kitchen, and came to the solution that Nicky, Klaus and Dawn would make the sauce, while Violet and Ricky fixed and used the broken pasta machine Nicky found in the pile of trash. Meanwhile, Dicky and Sunny would chop the vegetables. The quads had all agreed that Dicky would chop the vegetables, as they viewed that as the hardest thing to screw up.

"Justice Strauss," Violet called.

Strauss had just been about to pull a black book with gold marking out from a shelf when she heard them.

"We're done. Are there any supermarkets nearby?" Violet asked.

That's how they ended up on the trolley again. This time with Justice Strauss by their side, on their way to the Meat District in town to go to the open air market. They ended up really bonding with the lady, over family topics, and discussing her former dreams of becoming an actress and a mother.

All until the trolley drove past the gray, polluted beach. All seven children's eyes were pulled to it. Sunny's rock was still on the ground where Nicky had dropped it, and their footprints in the gravelly sand were still as clear as when they left them there. They were the clearest in one point. Six pairs of footprints, and another bigger pair in front of them. The children could almost see faded versions of themselves standing there, being told that their parents had perished. No words could describe the feeling they got in their stomachs as they drove by the place where they had, just earlier that day, had a start to the worst day of their lives. So far...

"Baudelaires? Harpers?"

None of them had realized how quiet they had all of a sudden gone. They turned their heads back to Justice Strauss.

"You children have had such sorrow in your lives already. You deserve the chance to get a new family with Count Olaf," Strauss kindly told them, wholeheartedly. "and if you don't mind my saying so... with me."

All of them smiled.

"We don't mind your saying so," said Klaus.

The group of eight happily embraced each other in a hug. A family with Justice Strauss seemed much better than one with Count Olaf.

* * *

Unfortunately, Count Olaf was the family they had. With big bags of groceries in their hands, the group of children walked into the big hair-raising house.

"What's that thing James Brown said?" Violet asked as Ricky closed the door.

"I feel good," Count Olaf answered. He came running down the stairs.

A second after he had spoken, music started playing. Strange music, from an accordion, or a violin.

"And a one, and a two!" Count Olaf counted before disappearing into another room.

"_It's the Count, it's the Count, it's the Count_!" A few voices started singing. "_It's the Count, it's the Count, it's the Count_!"

On top of the stairs in front of them stood a group of five people.

Two of them were bald. In turn one of the bald people was a man with a darker skin tone, and a couple of hooks instead of hands. Scars ran across his face. The other bald man was... pretty much just that. A big, tall, white, bald man.

There were also two identical old women, both with white powdered faces. They both had their hair in weird buns, and wore glasses and yellow coat dresses.

The last person was a man... or a woman. A person of indeterminate gender. He... she... had brown hair, reaching the shoulders, and looked extremely bland.

They danced, very out of sync to the music they were playing, and the words they were singing.

"_Who else has such robust good looks in such a large amount_?" Count Olaf came out from the room he had gone into, now wearing a red cape. He too was singing as he walked towards them with his arms raised, knocking a vase from a table on his way to the stairs. "_I'm handsome and I'm talented, and love your bank account_!"

"_It's the Count, it's the Count, it's the Count_!" His theatre troupe continued. "_It's the Count, it's the Count, it's the Count_!"

Together, the acting troupe and their leader walked down the stairs, making weird gestures they presumably called "dancing".

"_It's... the... Coooooooooooount!"_

Count Olaf made a dramatic gesture, ending the song.

The children stared, in shock at what they had just witnessed. They weren't sure what to think, other than the fact that this was one of the strangest experiences in their lives.

"_The Coooount_" Olaf awkwardly repeated.

"We know that...," Dawn said, still contemplating the scene. "We've met already."

Count Olaf seemed a bit disappointed with their reaction, as he just sighed, and introduced his theatre troupe as; Hooky, The Bald Man, Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender, and The White Faced Women. He then hastily moved on to tell them that:

"We've been preparing an exciting new production, that will change your lives on opening night."

He wasn't hesitant to demand applause and congratulations from him, before letting them cook the meal they were planning.

"Dinner will be served shortly," Violet smiled.

"And what are we supposed to do while we wait?" Count Olaf asked, sounding annoyed.

"We could wait patiently" the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender blandly said, with no emotion in their voice whatsoever.

"How about some wine?" the Bald Man suggested.

"Yes, yes, wine!" One of the White Faced Women excitedly said. "We had that nice rosé last time!"

"It wasn't rosé, it was just watered down," the other one said.

The acting troupe and Count Olaf left the room in one direction, and the Harpers and Baudelaires went to the kitchen to cook up their meal. Little did they know what waited for them during that dinner...

* * *

**The cooking and eating of the dinner were meant to be in this chapter, but that would just be way too long, so that'll be it's own chapter, yay!**


	6. The Meal of Harm

**I'm feeling up to writing, so here's another chapter!**

**Review Response**

_**VeronicaWeasley **_**\- Yes! It is the wonderful Count Song! I didn't write the whole thing though, obviously. Didn't have time or energy for that.  
That sounds very weird. I'm concerned about you for looking forward to child violence. But that's no big deal, because you thought my chapter was inspiring awe! Here you have your violence!**

* * *

Nicky led the group into the not-so-well-cleaned kitchen.

"Here we go!" He excitedly squealed as he ran over to a few drawers at the other side of the room.

While he took out all the necessary equipment, his siblings and friends emptied the grocery bags onto the old counter in the middle of the room. Violet put Sunny down on the counter, and the toddler immediately grabbed the parsley. She pulled Dicky's shirt sleeve to tell him he should help her.

"Where do we start, Nicky?" Violet asked.

"Easy," Nicky scoffed.

He turned around, with a smile on his face, like a kid who just entered the world's biggest toy store. In spite of everything, he actually seemed happy. His happiness was enough to get the other quads' to think about the positives, and in turn, the Baudelaires couldn't help but feeling a bit cheerful as well.

"Violet, you fix that pasta-maker-machine-thing. Klaus, turn the stove on. Ricky, fill a pot with water. Dawn, you're worthless in the kitchen, so I have no idea what to do with you at the moment," Nicky commanded at a fast rate.

Violet immediately went across the room and grabbed the pasta maker, without question. Klaus turned the wheels on the stove a few times, without success. And Ricky grabbed a pot which he filled with water, without any idea why he did it.

"Why did I have to fill a _pot _with _water,_" He asked, puzzled. Although he was very smart, cooking was a thing he knew nothing about.

Nicky turned his head away from the anchovies he was washing to gape at Ricky.

"To cook the pasta of course!" He shouted, as it _was_ obvious.

"What pasta? This is _water,_" Ricky pointed out.

"Yeah," Nicky nodded, still in shock over Ricky's lack of cooking knowledge. "You _cook_ pasta in water."

Ricky just kept a puzzled face at the pot of water, not responding to Nicky. Then there was a noise from the stove, followed by another, more frightening sound.

"Nicky...," Klaus began.

"Yeah, any probl-," Nicky turned around. "Holy shit!"

From the hotplate a huge flame was bursting. Thankfully, it kept itself to the stove. Everyone stared at the flame, waiting for instructions from Nicky.

"Get.. just... put the pot of water on it - carefully!" He instructed, still a bit shocked. "And turn another hotplate on, and start frying the garlic and anchovies in a frying pan."

Ricky brought the pot higher than the flame, and slowly lowered it onto the hotplate. The fire still burned under the pot, but there at least wasn't a fire hazard anymore. Dawn decided to take advantage of the moment, and prove she wasn't "worthless in the kitchen" by starting another flame, and mimicking Ricky's action with a frying pan.

"Now that you've done that, someone chop some garlic!" Nicky quickly said, before getting right back to preparing other ingredients.

"The pasta maker's fixed," Violet's announced.

"Then the two of you can start making pasta," Nicky pointed to Violet and Dawn. "Just mix a little salt with flour and eggs."

Dawn happily nodded, happy she got assigned something to do. She walked over to Violet, who was taking a hair tie out of her hair, releasing it.

"Do you always put your hair in a ponytail when you... fix or invent something?" Dawn asked, carefully choosing her words.

"I do. It helps me think, and it keeps hair out of my eyes," Violet answered. She put the tie in her pocket.

"I've gotta try that sometime," Dawn decided out loud. "With those three around, I always have to think through _everything _that _any one _of us do."

Violet looked back at the other Harpers. Nicky had just taken over the frying of the garlic Dicky had cut up (in very different sizes). Dicky was now sucking up the blood from multiple small cuts on his fingers, and Ricky had just finished peeling tomatoes, and had moved on to cutting olives and capers, as it was obvious Dicky couldn't do that.

"Ricky and Nicky seem fine," Violet stated.

"Just wait. Any second, they'll screw up something."

"Are you sure about that?" Violet asked. "Nicky seems pretty confident in here."

"Well, he'll screw up _somewhere._"

Violet looked back at her own siblings. Klaus kept a look on the garlic on the stove, since Nicky was now cutting tomatoes. Sunny sat on the counter, two pots in front of her, and wooden spoons in her little hands. She banged the spoons on the pots, and sang some pretty indistinguishable words.

"Are you gonna make pasta or not?" Nicky asked them when he noticed they were just looking at everyone else.

Making pasta ended up being pretty easy, and soon they had a lump of pasta-dough. While the girls helped each other roll it to flat sheets and put it through the pasta maker, the boys got started on mixing the fish and vegetables together with sauce in a pot.

Needless to say, this was the happiest they had felt since ending up in Olaf's so called care.

"I wonder if those weirdos will like this," Ricky said, sniffing the sauce.

"Mother said actors will eat anything," Violet scoffed.

"_Anything_?" Dicky asked to make sure he heard it right.

"Any food," Klaus clarified, as he had a high suspicion on how Dicky interpreted what Violet said.

"Do you think father would be proud of this sauce?" Violet asked, ending the actor-and-food conversation.

"Definitely," Klaus nodded, looking down into the pot on the counter.

"Dad would love it," Dawn chuckled.

"Mom too," Nicky assured, giving himself a little shameless ego-boost.

"Mother would be proud of how you two made your own pasta," Klaus told Dawn and Violet.

"And pwoud me," Sunny uttered.

The older six turned their heads to the toddler on the counter, who was smiling widely, showing of her teeth. She moved the parsley to her mouth, and cut it up to tiny pieces with her teeth, of course without leaving a mark on it.

Her siblings and newfound friends smiled widely.

"You know what?" Violet said. "I think we can make this our home if we have to."

"Yeah," Ricky and Dicky agreed.

"It's better than nothing," Klaus stated.

* * *

A few minutes later, the acting troupe had seated themselves around the dinner table in the next room, and the children were making the finishing touches to the food. They weren't hurrying until they heard their guardian yell:

"When are we going to eat!?"

so loud it sounded as if he was next to them.

They quickly scooped the last pasta into the serving bowl. Nicky and Klaus picked up the finished bowl of pasta and bowl of sauce, and Ricky opened the door for the group.

"Dinner is served," Klaus announced as they walked through the big door.

"Wow. That was quick," The Bald Man slurredly said, a bit impressed. It sounded like he (and presumably the others too) had already had a bit of wine.

"And it smells delicious," Hooky looked at the bowls in their arms with a longing look in his eyes. Olaf quietly growled at him, and in the blink of an eye, Hooky seemed to change his mind. "I mean _humpf,_" he grunted.

The children simply ignored it, and started serving up the food. Meanwhile, Olaf talked about acting, in a very dramatic way.

"There is no _I _in acting," he said.

"There is," Ricky mumbled to himself.

"No selfish urges, no arrogance, no ego, no vanity. Only what the French call a certain 'escargot'," he confidently said.

Klaus, who got mildly annoyed with Olaf's lack of language skills, just mumbled to himself that 'escargot' means 'snail' in French.

"The burst of applause when the leading man glides out from the wings, faces his crowd, and recites the..."

"Soliloquy," the Bald Man helped him.

"His soliloquy," Olaf continued. "He gives, and he gives to his audience. Just as I give, and I give to these orphans."

Dawn rolled her eyes. He was barely _giving_ them anything. They were the ones standing by his side putting spaghetti on his plate.

"But sometimes, I ask myself, _Is it worth it_?" Olaf said.

At this point, the troupe were barely listening anymore. They were too focused on the food, which they (to Nicky's pride) seemed to find delicious.

"Is it worth it to chase an enormous fortune?" Olaf asked out loud.

Hooky quickly coughed to cut him off.

"Uh.. Boss."

It was clear that what Olaf had said was something he shouldn't have said. It was too late though. The children had already heard it. _Chasing an enormous fortune_... Like the one belonging to the Baudelaires.

Olaf looked up at the children, as to make sure they hadn't heard. But instead his eyes fell on the pasta bowl.

"Where's the roast beef?" He asked.

All seven children frowned.

"What?"

"_The_ roast_ beef,_" Olaf pronounced slowly and clearly, as if talking to seven two-year-olds, and not just one of those and six twelve-to-fourteen-year-olds.

"No beef," Sunny said, to tell him that they hadn't made any roast beef.

"We don't know how to make roast beef," Klaus added.

"Yes we do," Nicky quickly said, but his comment was pretty ignored.

"Then what _did _you make?" Count Olaf asked, annoyed.

"Puttanesca," Violet answered.

"What did you call me?" Olaf asked, now sounding offended.

"You didn't say you wanted roast beef," Nicky growled, now very irritated his cooking wasn't appreciated.

"Look at my guests!" Olaf gestured to the table. "They can hardly touch this revolting foreign food!"

The acting troupe looked up and immediately spit out everything in their mouths. This seemed to calm Olaf down a little, as he stopped shouting. Instead, he calmly looked at the children.

"In agreeing to adopt you, I became your father. And as your father, you do not trifle with me."

"Children need to be taught to obey their elders," Hooky quickly said, turning his eyebrows down at the children.

"You asked them to make dinner," One white faced woman said, stuffing her face with pasta.

"And they just slapped together this disgusting sauce," the other one said.

"That's what happens with wealthy kids. Money is a really corrupting influence," The Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender said, as little emotion in his voice as possible.

"I demand you make us roast beef!" Count Olaf yelled.

"We've already made you puttanesca sauce!" Violet reminded him.

"Cholate puddin," Sunny mumbled, meaning "chocolate pudding for dessert". This caught Hooky's attention.

Unfortunately, it caught Olaf's as well, and he took Sunny out of Violet's grip. He raised his arm high up, letting Sunny rest on his palm.

"Sunny!" Klaus shouted.

As Olaf started teasingly swinging side to side, pretending he would drop Sunny, Klaus, Nicky, and strangely; _Hooky_ put their arms out, ready to catch Sunny if she fell. After a few seconds of Olaf chuckling and swinging side to side, he almost _actually _lost balance. He ended up putting Sunny down on a plate on the table. Sunny responded to this by standing up, and kicking an apple on the plate to fall on Olaf's lap.

"Since these children _rudely _wouldn't serve us any roast beef, we must get off to rehearsal!" Olaf commanded.

The acting troupe seemed put down by the news, but didn't oblige to stay and finish the meal.

"You seven are to clean this up, do the dishes, and then go straight to your beds!" Olaf shouted at the children.

"Our _three_ beds," Klaus mumbled, but of course Olaf picked it up.

"What?"

"You only provided us with _three beds,_" Klaus pointed out.

Olaf rolled his eyes.

"Well, then I guess tomorrow, you might go into town and _buy _some more beds."

"We don't have the money for that," said Ricky.

"Oh, you do," Olaf nodded. "These _lucky orphans _are inheriting an enormous fortune."

"The money our parents left behind is not to be used until Violet-," Klaus began, before getting stopped by a horrid violent act.

Count Olaf stood up, and slapped him right across the face. Klaus fell to the floor, his hand on his cheek. The entire room looked at Count Olaf and Klaus in shock. Olaf looked pretty much not bothered at all, while Klaus was breathing heavily, almost about to cry.

Without another word to the children, Olaf left the room with his troupe.

As Sunny walked to the end of the table, the five oldest children ran over to Klaus.

"Are you alright?" Violet worriedly asked.

"No," Klaus said, his lips shaking. "This isn't."

He removed his hand to reveal a big red mark. Dawn gasped.

"This isn't what?" Violet continued.

"_Better - than - nothing_" Klaus answered.

* * *

**There you have your violence scene, Veronica!**

**To anyone who doesn't know this; **

**About the "_Puttanesca_" - "_What did you call me_?" conversation. The joke is much funnier when you know what puttanesca means in Italian. **

**In Italian '_Pasta Puttanecsa_" means "_Little Whore's Pasta_". **


	7. The Marvelous Marriage

**Review Response**

_**VeronicaWeasley - **_**Definitely not. Don't know what I was thinking when I thought ****_you _****were looking forward to the violence and sloppy eating!  
Thank you! I got to know what it meant through my mom. She told me and my sister what it meant when they first said it. Great job Lemony for fooling almost a whole fandom (except for the Italians, and people who randomly know that word). **

**Chapter time! And it's a long one this time. That's what happens when you squeeze an entire one hour episode/half of a book into one chapter.**

* * *

_THUD_!

The axe in Dicky's hand went right through a piece of wood. He, along with his siblings and friends were out in the backyard, chopping wood. It was yet another of the difficult chores they were forced to do. The reasons for it were unknown, seeing as Olaf didn't have a working fireplace. All of them had suspicions they were doing it just for the sakes of Olaf's entertainment. He had been watching them chopping until about half an hour before, when he mysteriously left for reasons unbeknownst to the children.

"How did we end up here?" Dawn complained as she lifted her axe.

"Mr. Poe must have done something wrong," Violet answered, breathlessly. "There's no way our parents would put us here."

"How would he do something wrong?" Ricky asked.

"I don't know," Violet shook her head. "Maybe he listened to a consultant."

Of course, Violet was just guessing, but she had actually gotten it right. Mr. Poe had listened to the consultant _Yessica Haircut_, also known as Count Olaf in a horrible disguise.

"Then how do we get out of here?" Nicky looked up from the tree stump he was working on.

Before he could get an answer, the back door opened. Out walked Count Olaf, dramatically as always.

"Hello orphans!" he grinned.

He got no reply, as all of the children just took deep breaths from exhaustion.

"I spent all morning making you these cupcakes," he cheerfully told them as he held out six cupcakes in a plastic holder.

"Those are store bought," Nicky breathed.

Count Olaf's grin immediately disappeared.

"And how would you know, orphan?" he firmly asked.

"First off, that's a plastic holder from the corner store," Nicky pointed to the holder, perfectly made for six cupcakes. "And secondly, you don't own any piping tips."

Olaf responded by just simply rolling his eyes, and changing the subject.

"I want to talk about something," he said.

"Talk about what?" Asked Klaus.

"The _play _me and my troupe have been working on," Olaf responded. "To make you feel a little more at home in my... _humble _abode, I want you to participate in it."

"Participate how?" Violet asked.

"By being in the play of course," Olaf huffed. "It is called _The Marvelous Marriage_. It is written by the playwright Al Funcoot, and we will only give one show, this Friday afternoon. _I _will be starring as a _handsome man_, while you two and the quad squad over here will be playing cheering midgets in the crowd."

"What will I do?" Violet asked. "Build the sets?"

Olaf huffed again, but this time to show that she was being stupid.

"A girl as beautiful as you ought not to _build the sets,_" he said. "No... You will be playing the gorgeous woman I marry."

"But I'd like to build the sets instead," Violet said, as she had a strong feeling something was up with this.

The Count gave a sigh.

"Dawn, Dawn, Dawn...," he shook his head.

"Violet," Violet corrected him.

"Violet, Violet, Violet," Olaf went on as if nothing happened. "You're playing that woman; a very important role, with only one line which I think you know."

"I don't," Violet worriedly shook her head.

"Oh no," Olaf straightened his back. "It's '_I do'._"

The Baudelaires and Harpers looked at each other. Something seemed very fishy about the situation, but they weren't sure what. They had come to the obvious conclusion that Olaf wanted the Baudelaire fortune, but they were unsure how this would work.

"I've already convinced that judge next door to participate, and to bring a real marriage paper for added realism!" Olaf continued in a tone as if he was bragging. "So you're the last pieces of the puzzle, orphans."

This play sounded more and more suspicious with every word Olaf uttered.

"Who's Justice Strauss gonna play?" Dawn asked.

"She'll be playing the judge," Olaf revealed, an evil smirk on his face.

"We know you're trying to do something," Violet revealed, unafraid. "Come everyone. We're gonna figure this out."

* * *

After a quick trip to Justice Strauss' library, the children were back in their three-bed room. Klaus and Ricky had grabbed a thick, boring book about marriage law, and offered to single-handedly figure this out, while the others continued with the chores.

Reading the book took a long time. They sat in Ricky and Dawn's bed for hours. Eventually, the other five arrived at a late hour, and went to bed. Klaus and Ricky stayed up the entire night with the book. Seated in the corner, by the window, they read through boring page after boring page. It was a difficult book to read. They found themselves reading the same sentence over and over. They found themselves reading the same sentence over and over. Until sunrise arrived. Dawn, as in the natural event that happens every morning, not the oldest Harper quadruplet, woke the sleeping group up, just in time for Klaus and Ricky to read the last line of the book.

Violet rolled over onto her stomach. She tiredly looked at her brother and friend as they closed the book.

"Have you figured anything out?" she yawned.

"I... might have," Klaus slowly said.

There were deep dark circles under both the boys' eyes, and they were slouching heavily.

"What've you got?" Nicky said, seeming to have gotten over the morning drowsiness in the blink of an eye.

Klaus opened the book again, on a page he had folded the corner of to remember. His eyes skimmed the page until he found what he was looking for.

"The only nuptial requirements are a statement of active acquiescence by both participants, utilizing in loco parentis if necessary, and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand," he read aloud.

Violet nodded understandingly, and Ricky just yawned, as this was one of the sentences he had read multiple times. Dawn, Dicky and Nicky sat with open mouths, and furrowed brows.

"Wh-... what did you say exactly?" Dawn slurredly asked.

"The only necessary things for a legal marriage is for both persons to voice their consent, and for the bride to sign a document in her own hand" Klaus simplified, as he quickly understood that the problem was that the language was way too complicated for the Harpers.

"Which means...?" Nicky continued, leaving the sentence for someone else to finish.

"It means Count Olaf will marry Violet literally, not figuratively," Ricky explained quickly.

"And by doing so, he will gain control over our fortune," Klaus finished. He turned to Violet. "If you say _I do _while Justice Strauss is in the room, and sign the paper in your own hand, you'll be married to Count Olaf."

"But what if I don't say _I do_?" Violet suggested, as a solution to the problem.

"Olaf will force you to," Klaus said, correctly. "And he'll force you to sign the paper in your own hand. He did say Justice Strauss is bringing a real paper."

"How would she not sign the paper in _her own _hand?" Dicky asked, a slight chuckle to his words. "Is she gonna sign it with someone else's hand?"

"_Your own hand _means the hand you usually do things with," Klaus quickly explained. "Violet's own hand is her right hand; she's right-handed."

Dicky nodded, although there was a glint in his eye which told he still didn't fully get it. Violet though, lit up slightly.

"But Klaus, I'm not old enough to get married. Even if I want to. I'm just fourteen," she said.

"There's a problem with that too, unfortunately," Klaus turned the page in the book over. "You can get married if your legal guardian is okay with it. Olaf's acting in loco parentis, he's our legal guardian. You can get married."

Violet's smile disappeared.

"Then what do we do?" Dawn asked.

"We tell Olaf we've figured out his scheme," Klaus stood up. "We tell him we won't do it."

The group of six older children were soon out of the room, and going down the stairs to Count Olaf. They found him sitting along, at the end of the long dining table. In front of him was a tray with all the pieces of a tea set, except for the sugar bowl. It seemed like Olaf liked his tea bitter.

"We know what you're up to," Dawn stated loudly as she entered the room, first of the group.

"Me? I'm just having my morning tea," Olaf smirked.

Dawn rolled her eyes and walked closer to him.

"We _mean _about the _play,_" She enunciated. "You're gonna marry Violet."

"Yes, I explained that to you yesterday," Olaf said. "Did it get into your head first now, orphan?"

"You're going to marry her _literally,_" Klaus clarified.

Olaf stood up from the chair. Dawn slowly backed away and joined the group. Olaf's smirk was still on his lips as he walked closer to them. Closer... closer... and right past them. Behind them in the hall stood the theatre troupe, all except the hook-handed man.

"Did you hear that?" Olaf said loudly. "Those little bookworms figured out our scheme. With the help of his book, he has found a way to beat our evil ways."

The entire troupe gasped at once.

"Oh no," one white-faced woman quickly said.

"Whatever will we do?" the other one said.

"I guess we will go to jail," the first one continued.

"For a very long time," the second finished.

"I guess that proves reading really is fundamental," the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender said emotionlessly.

"We have to get out of this wretched place," Violet said between her firmed teeth.

"Let's get Sunny," Nicky said, taking the lead up the staircase.

"Then we're out of here," Dicky spat at the troupe.

The children ran up the stairs, and into their little bedroom. But to their horror, Sunny wasn't where they left her. The toddler wasn't sitting on the Baudelaires' bed. In fact, she wasn't anywhere in the room.

"Sunny!?" Violet yelled.

"Sunny!?" Klaus and Nicky cried.

The group scattered into different places of the house, searching for the young Baudelaire girl. She wasn't in the kitchen, nor was she in the hall, the living room, or any of the other bedrooms. The six children gathered outside in the backyard finally. Sunny wasn't there either. Count Olaf followed them outside, an evil grin on his face. He looked like he was entertained by their despair.

"Oh, don't look so _down,_" he said in a gloomy tone, as if speaking to a grumpy toddler. "I'd say thing are looking up... up... up."

He slowly turned his head upwards. The Harpers and oldest two Baudelaires mimicked him, and what they spotted above them surely gave them a huge fright.

30 feet above the ground, sat Sunny in a golden bird cage. A rope was tied around her, and a piece of duct tape was taped to her mouth. It was hanging from a rope, sticking out from the window of the secret tower room they were forbidden to enter.

"Let her go!" Violet ordered. "She's done nothing to you."

"Well, if you really want me to let her go, I will, but," Olaf evilly said. "any person will notice that this is a 30 foot drop, which is a very long way for a very small person to fall. The fall would kill _poor.. little... Sunny_. But if you want it, I'll have my comrade let her go."

"Hi!" Said a voice from the tower room.

Hooky was looking out, waving his hook to them.

"Don't let her go!" Nicky shouted, panic-struck, his voice cracking horribly.

"Don't harm her, she's just a baby," Violet said. "We'll do anything! Just don't harm her."

"_Anything,_" Olaf mockingly said. "For instance... consider marrying me?"

"Ew no," Dawn shuddered, answering for Violet.

"Well, then I might let Hooky up there drop Sunny to her death."

Violet looked down at the ground. Thoughts, possible outcomes, possible consequences, and the picture of her sister falling to her death flashed in her head. She hesitantly looked up.

"If you let Sunny go... I will marry you," she reluctantly said.

An evil grin creeped up on Olaf's face

"I will let Sunny go, _after _tomorrow night's performance."

* * *

A few hours passed. Olaf felt great victory, while the Baudelaires and Harpers felt great anxiety for their youngest group member. Only minutes after leaving the backyard, Violet had tied her hair up, and sat down, with her eyes closed to think. It took a while, but she was soon going throughout the house, picking up things she could use.

She sat on her knees in their bedroom. Around her lay the things she had picked up. While her mind focused on ways to put the things together, her hands actively ripped some of the things apart, while also fixing things.

Not after long, she had her finished invention in front of her. A bunch of material she found in the kitchen, a long piece of fabric, and a rusty hook at the end. An invention to set Sunny free. A grappling hook.

She took it outside, careful not to get spotted on her way out as she put the invention on herself as a backpack. It took her a few tries to throw the hook up onto the rope holding Sunny's cage, but soon, it was stuck and she was ready to go. She took a deep breath.

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious."

Her left hand crossed her fingers, and her right hand pressed the button on a piece of an electric mixer. The machine on her back started going upwards, pressing the fabric through the opening of the pasta maker, making Violet get off the ground, and up into the air. It was a thrilling feeling. Both the fact that she was up in the air, and that she could rescue her sister. But it was also terrifying knowing that the invention could malfunction at any second, and she could be the one falling to her death.

"It is the source of all true art and science."

Unfortunately, she didn't get further. Something had stopped the machine, and when she looked up she saw what. She was face to face with Hooky.

"How pleasant that you could join us," Hooky pulled her in through the window.

Violet stumbled over to the other side of the secret tower room.

"What are you gonna do with me?" she nervously asked.

"I said have a seat," Hooky tiredly told her.

"No you didn't."

The hook-handed man stared at her, annoyed.

"RAAA!" he yelled, shaking his hooks in her face.

One conversation with Olaf over the walkie-talkie later, Klaus and the Harpers were also up in the tower room. Olaf came along as well, and he made a big, dramatic speech about how hard writing plays is, and how disappointed and annoyed he was with the orphans. He ended his long speech by grabbing an hour glass and turning it over as he climbed down the ladder.

"When the sand in this... whatchamacallit runs out, you will be married to me."

But the sand ran out while he was still talking. He looked surprised, judging from his eyebrow raising slightly.

"I didn't realize the sand went so quickly, I bought it online. You're gonna have to flip it a few times."

He close the trap door, leaving the children alone.

* * *

The night passed as the children slept on the floor of the tower room. The streaks of morning sunlight, accompanied with Count Olaf and Hooky coming through the trap door woke them up. They were quickly informed that Hooky would be guarding Sunny, and that if anything went wrong, Sunny would be dropped to her death. Then they were shoved into the back of Olaf's car, as they drove to the theatre.

Justice Strauss was already there, dressed as always in the black robe and white powdered wig. She had a document from state hall with her, and waved happily to the children as they walked in backstage, dressed in their costumes. Violet wore a big poofy wedding dress, designed by Count Olaf, while Klaus and the quads had to wear weird sailor costumes.

"Oh hi there, Baudelaires and Harpers!" she cheerfully said.

"Hi Justice Strauss," Violet quickly replied, before getting to what she wanted to say. "There's something we need to tell you. Count Olaf-"

She was cut off by Olaf coming in to get dressed. He instructed the judge on everything she needed to do, and also said there were talent scouts in the audience. This made Justice Strauss very nervous, and she started to breathe heavily and her eyes got bulgy.

"Justice Strauss," Dawn repeated. "We can't do this, Olaf-"

"Don't distract me with idle chatter, I am trying to get into character!" Justice Strauss told them.

"But-"

"Change of plans," Olaf came running. He seemed to have noticed them talking to the judge. "Sit over here," he moved Strauss' chair.

"Showtime," the Bald Man called.

The play was very boring to watch, especially seeing the fact that the children were watching it from the sidelines. All they seemed to talk about was how handsome Olaf was, and that the white-faced-women wanted to date him. But that wasn't possible, because Olaf was marrying a young, beautiful girl.

Violet walked out on stage along with the other children and Justice Strauss. Justice Strauss looked completely gone. Her eyes were wide open, and she was staring out into the audience.

"Do you," she started, her voice cracking and shaking slightly. "take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Olaf rolled his eyes at her performance.

"I do," he firmly said.

Justice Strauss smiled nervously and turned to Violet.

"Do you take this woman-"

"Man," Olaf corrected.

"Man... to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

Violet looked up at the Justice, plead and worry in her eyes. Justice Strauss didn't seem to take note of it, as she was still staring off into space. Violet grabbed the pencil in her left hand, and paper in her right.

"I do," she signed the document.

"I now pronounce you... husband and wife," Justice Strauss said loudly, her voice going a little high-pitched.

The band next to the stage started playing celebratory music as Olaf walked forward on the stage, laughing maliciously to himself, and Violet and her brother and friends remained placed.

"I'm sorry," Klaus mouthed to Violet.

"Don't worry about it," Violet mouthed back, making the others frown a bit, wondering what she meant.

Olaf gestured for the band to stop.

"Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to make an announcement," he proudly said. "There's no need to continue with tonight's show, because it's purpose has already been served."

Olaf removed the ugly wig he was wearing.

"This has not been a scene of fiction, but a legal, _binding _marriage you have witnessed," he continued. "I am now in control of the entire Baudelaire fortune!"

The entire audience gasped. Behind them, Justice Strauss was in total shock, going through all the things necessary, to prove to herself that this wasn't just a lie.

"So shall we, Countess?" Olaf smirked at Violet, and held his hand out to dance with her.

"I'm not a Countess," Violet muttered. "At least I don't think I am."

"What?" Olaf's smile was gone.

"I'm right handed," Violet said. "But I signed the document with my left hand. That means it's not legally binding. Right, Justice Strauss?"

The judge nodded, first lightly to herself, then vigorously to everyone.

"Yes! That is true," She said. "This marriage isn't legally binding!"

At that moment, Hooky burst out onto the stage. He was pushing a wheelbarrow. In the wheelbarrow sat Sunny, smiling widely.

"I'm sorry boss!" Hooky shouted. "She beat me at poker, I had to set her free."

Olaf growled at him. The situation wasn't going that well for him. But a second later, his smile was back

"Well, I am still Violet Baudelaire's father."

"You really think I'd allow that!?" said a voice from the audience. Mr. Poe stood up. "after the treachery I've seen here tonight."

The banker walked up onto the stage. Two people from the back row followed him. A woman. Short-haired, and wearing a red gown, followed by a tanned man with black curly hair.

"Jacquelyn?" Mr. Poe looked at the woman, whose name was Jacquelyn. "What are you doing here?"

"I came here in order to find out what was really going on with this consultant you listened to a few days ago," Jacquelyn calmly instructed. "And to tell you that Dr. Montgomery Montgomery, who was designated as the Baudelaire's legal guardian has been waiting to hear from you."

Mr. Poe smiled.

"How nice of you," he said. "Now I will send the Baudelaire's to a suitable guardian, and this series of unfortunate events can be over!"

The crowd cheered happily.

"As for you Count Olaf-" Mr. Poe continued, before the light in the theatre disappeared.

Nothing could be seen, but Violet could feel Count Olaf right next to her ear.

"I'll get my hands on your fortune if it's the last thing I do," he whispered, sounding furious, and very scary.

The light came back, and Olaf was gone.

"Olaf's escaped!" Poe shouted.

"Wait until the readers of _The Daily Punctilio _hear about _this_!" a woman seated in the seat next to Poe's (presumably Poe's wife) shouted.

"You gotta go after him, Poe!" Nicky shouted.

"Let the authorities take care of that children," Justice Strauss reassuringly told them. "Come home with me instead."

"I'm sorry, but that won't be possible," Jacquelyn informed, a sorry tone to her voice. "There's a vigorously fixed destination your parents had in mind for you in case of an accident like this, and it is not with Count Olaf, or Justice Strauss."

Justice Strauss gloomily looked down at the floor. The Baudelaires did the same, and the Harpers all put their arms around each other.

"Go with Mr. Poe," Jacquelyn instructed. "He'll take you to your proper guardian. Dr. Montgomery Montgomery."

That's how the seven children ended up in Poe's car again, on their way to a person they had no idea who he was. But they were at least going away from Count Olaf...

* * *

**Told ya it would be a long one.**


	8. Montgomery Montgomery

**Finallyyyyyyy I'm back! I'm so really very super sorry (for both the grammar there and the not-uploading). I don't even know why I took a break from this story. I love writing it, and you readers seem to enjoy it. **

**Anyway, the hiatus is over now, and I'm back. First I just have to write some ****Review Responses.**

_**VeronicaWeasley **_**\- It ****_is_**** Monty time! It just took two months for Monty time to arrive... Yes, Olaf disguises! We can not but love them! I'm so sorry you had to wait (even though you clearly stated you couldn't). **

_**HollyHook**_** \- Sorry I haven't been writing this lately! I've clearly been on a break as well, so I can't blame you. October-November seemed to be a break period for almost everyone. I know you wouldn't abandon me, as no kind writer would abandon their fellow authors and readers. **

**Now let's finally get to chapter 8!**

* * *

The small, dark teal car which all the Harper and Baudelaire youngsters were cramped in drove down the miserable lane. It seemed like it could be the most miserable lane in the entire world. It was just a plain old road that had not been taken care of for years, and would not get taken care of for many years to come. If anything, it would be more forgotten, and more miserable in a few years.

On either side of the lane was a broken down fence, stretching the entire way from beginning to end of it. Behind the fence were trees, but not the kind you might imagine. The trees weren't healthy, big and full of leaves. They were close to dead, bearing nothing but extremely sour apples, that made the children feel ill just by the sight of them. The entire area smelled strong of what Nicky could identify as horseradish. It was overall sickening, and very, very sad. The children couldn't do anything but hope that their new guardian did not live near this lane.

Mr. Poe though seemed to be in no hurry to get them out of there. He calmly drove them down the lane, going below the speed limit for seemingly no reason at all, and it even looked like he enjoyed looking at the "view" in front of him while trying to make conversation with the children.

"Apparently," he cheerfully continued on a long conversation about the childrens' new guardian. "Dr. Montgomery was apparently supposed to be your guardian all along."

All of the Baudelaires and Harpers (except Dicky) had already figured this out long ago.

"I confuse even myself asking why I listened to that oddly dressed consultant that walked into my office," Mr. Poe continued.

The children looked at each other, their faces asking "_Is he serious? How could he be so stupid to not notice that 'consultant' was Count Olaf?_". The only one who didn't look at the others was Sunny, who mumbled something among the lines of "Ya digraysh you pofeshon", which meant "You're a disgrace to your profession".

"What was that Sunny?" Mr. Poe asked, still cheerful as ever, tilting his head back to hear better.

"She told you you're a-," Dawn started.

"Nothing important Mr. Poe," Violet cut her off, seeing where that sentence was going. "She just said she also wonders why you did that?" There was something semi-aggressive in Violet's tone.

"Well, if that's the case," Mr. Poe grinned. He then got attacked by another coughing fit.

This time, most of the kids also did, when a very, very strong smell reached them.

"What is that _smell_?" Ricky asked, pinching his own nose to avoid smelling it, as it almost made him gag.

"It's ginger... I believe," Mr. Poe answered, while coughing.

"It's _horseradish,_" Nicky corrected, seeming annoyed by Mr. Poe's incorrect answer.

Nicky and Dicky were the only ones not bothered by the smell. Even little Sunny wrinkled her nose.

"Whatever it is, it's worse than Dicky's hair after a week of not washing it," Dawn stated, grossed out, pinching her nose.

"For your information, I used the ice cream brush quite often," Dicky replied, which earned him confused looks from the Baudelaires.

"He puts his brush in the freezer with the ice cream, so his hair smells like ice cream when he brushes it," Ricky explained.

"At least he thinks it does," Nicky clarified.

The Baudelaires didn't get rid of that much confusion from what the quads explained. Klaus decided to change the subject to something that was both important, and understandable.

"Mr. Poe... I've been thinking," he said. "What if Count Olaf finds us again?"

"Oh no, I don't think he will," Mr. Poe responded. "What are the chances he will find you all the way out here?"

Something told the Baudelaires and Harpers the chances were bigger than Mr. Poe thought.

"Speaking of 'here'," Poe looked up from the wheel. "We're here."

The kids all looked out through the front window. A big, black gate, patterned with some squiggly sort of lines was mechanically opening in front of them. Mr. Poe drove them through as soon as the opening was big enough to fit the car.

They were now on a short cobblestone road.

"Wow," Ricky said sounding amazed. "Cool bush sculpture!"

On the side of the road were grass patches, although you could not see much grass on them. The entire lawn on both sides of the road was covered in interesting flowers and giant - bigger than the car - bush sculptures of snakes and other reptiles.

"That's awesome...," Dicky said, kind of like in a trans from the snake sculptures.

The Baudelaires didn't seem to find it just as awesome though.

"How exactly is Dr. Montgomery related to us?" Klaus asked, observing the bush snakes with a kind of suspicious look in his eyes.

"I believe he is your... late father's cousin's wife's brother," Mr. Poe answered as he stopped the car in a big cobblestone circle with another snake bush sculpture in the middle.

"Well, that's a close relative," Dawn sarcastically mumbled.

"That seems a little distant to be sent to live with him," Violet said, but Mr. Poe had probably not heard her, as he started coughing loudly again.

In the middle of the coughing fit, Mr. Poe turned the car off, and stepped outside. The children followed him out, and onto the cobbled circle.

"What's Dr. Montgomery's first name?" Klaus asked as the orphans caught up with Mr. Poe, who was by now on top of the short, white staircase leading up to the front door, which was green.

"Montgomery," Mr. Poe answered.

"His name is Montgomery Montgomery?" Ricky asked, frowning at the strange full name.

"Yes," Mr. Poe nodded firmly.

"Who would name their kid Montgomery Montgomery?" Nicky said, just as puzzled as Ricky.

It was unclear whether Mr. Poe ignored this question or didn't hear it, for he rung the doorbell right as Nicky asked it.

"I hope Montgomery is a decent person," Violet said in a small voice. The others nodded.

Not another second passed before the door was opened. Inside stood a man, a little darker than the children, with curly black hair and a funky moustache. He wore a big, friendly smile on his face, and a fun patterned shirt. In his hand was a plate of coconut cream cake, which looked like it had just been frosted.

"Hello, hello, hello," he happily said. "You must be the Baudelaire orphans...," he spotted the Harpers, and his smile grew even wider. "And I see you brought some other children."

The fact that there were four extra kids on his property didn't seem to bother Montgomery Montgomery at all. If anything he was happy about it.

"I hope you don't mind taking care of the Baudelaires' friends," Mr. Poe said. "These are the Harper quadruplets, Nicostratus, Ricardo, Domingo and Diana."

"Nicky."

"Ricky."

"Dicky."

"Dawn."

The quads introduced themselves by their nicknames (in the boys' case), and ignored to mention that Mr. Poe got their real names completely wrong.

Dr. Montgomery smiled widely.

"Not at all, not - at - all," He said. "Do any of you want some coconut cream cake? I just finished frosting it."

The Harpers showed no hesitation in grabbing a piece each, and the Baudelaires gently grabbed some pieces for themselves. Sunny declined the soft food though.

"This is great!" Dicky complimented the cake.

By the looks of the others' faces, they all agreed (except Nicky, who seemed to think it was good, but that he could make a superior cake of the kind).

"Thank you so much Dr. Montgomery," Violet smiled. She was still a little bit cautious, given their record of past guardians.

"Oh please, call me Monty," Dr. Montgomery asked them. "I dislike fancy titles unless they give me a discount at the movies, which is a place we'll be visiting very soon, and very often. We'll be seeing a lot of very important, and very _special_ films."

The children smiled at the prospect of going to the movies with this kind man.

"Now shall we go inside, so I can show you your rooms?" Monty suggested.

"Sure!" Dawn happily agreed, on behalf of herself, her siblings and her friends.

"Well then," Mr. Poe said. "Bye children. As you know, you can always reach me at Mulctuary Money Management if you need anything-"

"They won't be needing anything from you now," Monty cut him off. "I can assure you that they will be fine here with me."

Mr. Poe nodded to Monty, an approving smile on his face.

"Then I'll be on my merry way," he said, before turning around, and leaving for his car.

Monty stepped aside, and welcomed them inside his home with a gesture of his hand. The children stepped inside the house, and came into a big, cozy hall. Despite the homely feeling and comfy surroundings, the Baudelaires still felt a tiny bit of suspicion. The last sentence Monty uttered set off some small alarm in the back of their minds.

"Our parents' fortune is not to be used until Violet comes of age," Klaus said, just to clarify it for Monty.

Monty turned to him, a kind smile still on his face.

"Oh, I have no interest in your fortune," he said. "But as a scientist I do admire your scepticism. Also, I'm terribly sorry if I was rude, and shoved that banker out of my house. He told me on the phone that you had some unpleasantness with Count Olaf, when _he_ is the reason you _got put_ with Count Olaf in the first place. It really ruffles my scales"

"_Ruffles your scales_?" Nicky repeated, smiling with furrowed eyebrows at the strange expression.

"That's herpetologist language," Monty told him.

"What's a herpetologist?" Ricky asked.

"A person who studies snakes and reptiles"

"Snakes... you say?" Dawn repeated, a smile on her face that said '_please don't tell me I heard you correctly_'.

"Snakes and reptiles," Monty confirmed.

At the perfect timing as they started talking about it, a horrid sound filled the room. An inhuman screech coming from the top of the staircase. The Baudelaires' heads snapped in the direction of the noise, three of the quads flinched, and Dicky almost dropped his slice of cake on the floor. Monty however, just calmly looked up at the small cuckoo clock looking object on the wall. What made it not-a-cuckoo clock was the fact that there were no birds going in and out of it as the screech sounded. Instead there was a wooden lizard.

"That, my friends, is the Screeching Iguana Clock," Monty explained. "Startles people just like the screeching iguana."

"It definitely did," Ricky nodded to himself, still a little shaken from it.

"Monty," Klaus said, cutting off the iguana conversation. "Our parents never mentioned you."

For the first time, Monty's smile faded.

"Really?" He said, now sounding a bit sad. "Dr. Montgomery Montgomery, renowned scientist of the Herpetological Society?"

Violet shook her head, a sad smile on her lips.

"Oh... You know, we practically grew up together. I can't believe they never told you about me," Monty's grin was back, and he started leading them towards the door on the opposite side on the front door.

This door was in the tiny hallway between the two staircases. It was not like the many others in the house though. Where there would be wood in the middle, there was instead an insane amount of scanner screens, gears and things no one but Violet could name. It had extremely high security. On both walls closing them in the little hallway were built-in bookshelves. Books, books and more books filled them, along with some picture frames as well.

"Here's a picture of me and your parents," Monty stopped by one of the picture frames.

It was black and white, and showed... no human beings.

"That's a picture of a piano," Dicky pointed out. "Even I can see that."

"It is a picture of a piano, and me and your parents are trapped inside it," Monty explained, like it was a casual thing to say.

"Who would take a picture of someone trapped in a piano instead of helping them out?" Violet asked, frowning at the prospect of someone doing that. What she didn't notice was that the quads all giggled and raised their hands behind her. Monty chuckled at them too.

"Now! I'm about to show you one of the most important scientific collections in the history of the world. A collection that many of my rivals from the Herpetological Society would gulp down multiple garter snakes just to see," he told the children.

The Harper boys exchanged a quick anticipating look and some whispers about what they were about to see.

"This door," Monty gestured to the door covered in gears. "can only be opened with nineteen keys, three combinations, two fingerprints and one optical scans."

Violet's eyes lit up at every little thing Monty mentioned, and all the gears and cogs made her feel at home.

"Or... as I share with only my most trusted associates...," Monty continued on the explanation about the door. "by turning this doorknob..."

He stretched his hand out, grabbed the doorknob, and turned it. He pushed the door opened, revealing the room hiding behind the fake security door.

"Feel free to explore."

The children all went in, only Dawn holding back a little.

They were now in a big room, far bigger than any usual room they had been in. It was even bigger than the hall of the now burnt down Baudelaire Mansion. The room had a glass roof, and the walls were covered in windows, making it look like two things. Either a greenhouse, or a room out of a fairy tale. All over the room were big cages, plants and chests, except for middle, where a few couches and a table stood. In the far left, a big tarp lay over something huge.

"This is the lizard wing," Monty informed. He led them to the part of the room with the tarp.

The Baudelaires followed him, smiling at the many different lizards and snakes in the cages. The Harper boys all looked around with amazement on their faces. They stopped by every single cage they could, gazing at the reptile inside before following Monty further into the room. Dawn however clutched her own arms and walked as far away from any cage as she could.

Monty showed them multiple different reptiles, including the winged lizard, turtles who listened to music, and the screeching iguana he mentioned earlier. Then he led them to the big covered cage.

"This, my dears, is my most recent discovery," he explained. "I discovered him on a recent journey, and brought him home under the cover of night, and a very large hat."

The children crowded around the very big covered cage as Monty removed the tarp. Inside was a very long, black snake. Violet and Klaus looked a little closer, the Harper boys let out an amazed "wow", and Dawn took a few steps backwards. Sunny's smile got wider as soon as she saw it.

"I discovered him, so I get to name him," Monty said.

"What're you gonna call it?" Nicky asked with a gaping grin on his lips, without letting the snake out of his sight.

"The Incredibly Deadly Viper," Monty said, adding a bit of drama to his tone.

Just then, the black snake leaped out of the cage, and right down onto Sunny. Violet, Klaus and Nicky all screamed, Ricky and Dicky gasped loudly, and Dawn backed away so fast that she almost tumbled down onto the ground. As Klaus shouted at Monty to remove the snake, Monty laughed, and to the Baudelaires' surprise, so did Sunny.

"Don't you worry, children!" he happily said in the middle of his laughter. "It's a misnomer. The Incredibly Deadly Viper is one of the friendliest animals in the kingdom. Won't even hurt a fly, which I know because I tried to feed him flies, and he _would not _eat them."

"Wh-What?" Ricky asked.

"It's a misnomer. A very wrong name," Monty explained. "Your sister is fine, and I seem to see that the snake likes her. But I am terribly sorry that it attacked her so impolitely."

The Harper boys immediately got their smiles back, but the Baudelaires were still a little shaken up. Monty removed the snake, still chuckling, and Violet picked up Sunny.

"Ummm...," Dawn voiced from a few meters away. She was back standing by the turtles with headphones. "Are there any... _dangerous_ snakes in here?" she nervously asked.

"Of course!" Monty replied. "You can't research snakes and expect to not stumble across some dangerous ones. I have an entire cabinet with venom samples from the world's most dangerous snakes!" his smile turned gentle as he said; "I get the feeling your not the biggest fan of reptiles."

"You're right," Dawn nervously said. "I'm not that at all."

"Well, I can assure you that no harm will come to you in the reptile room, and you will get used to snakes very soon."

Dawn nodded, pinching a smile. She wasn't sure she believed what Monty was saying, but she truly wanted to.

"Now come over here, dear," He smiled kindly, and Dawn had no choice but to walk over there, seeing his friendly nature.

Monty put his hands on Klaus' and Dicky's shoulders.

"I've always wanted a family of my own, you know," he informed them. "Now I am lucky enough to have seven Baudelaire and Harper bambinis in my home. I can affirm to you that you will have a much better life here than with that awful Count Olaf. The unfortunate cycle shall now be over."

While some of the things Monty said were true, no one would be happy to know that not all he said was. The children would have a better time living with Monty, and no harm would come to them in the reptile room.

Though the unfortunate cycle was not over, and someone would in the future experience great harm in the reptile room.

* * *

**I'm just going to inform you all now that March 20th is my one year anniversary of writing on this site, and the celebration that concerns all of you is that I will be uploading one chapter of _each and every single one_ of my unfinished stories!**

**Of course this does not mean I won't update until March 20th. Just so you know to expect a lot from me on March 20th. **


	9. A Horrid Visitor

**I'm here again! It's March 20th, and it's the one year anniversary! Sorry for the long wait, but today is a special day, so I'm here wooohoooo!**

**Review Response!**

_**VeronicaWeasley **_**\- Very true, very true. Montgomery is here! Dramatic irony... Wonderful but terrifying. Thank youuuu!**

_**HollyHook -**_** Keep saying it all the time because it makes me happy! Thank you so much!**

**Who's ready for the chapter now? I certainly am, so if you're not... too bad.**

* * *

For the Baudelaires and Harpers, a week at Count Olaf's house had felt like a month. They were forced to do a lot of difficult chores, and got no sleep in the wretched man's home.

In Montgomery's house however, a week flew by like an hour. The children got two bedrooms in the house, and decided to split themselves by families. All of them got one real bed each, which was to great relief. They spent most of their time in the reptile room. Violet, Klaus and Ricky read through all of the books about snakes Monty had in his scientific library.

Dicky spent his days exploring the room, taking care of and getting to know all of the reptiles in there. He was particularly attached to the turtles with headphones.

Even Dawn had started to grow okay with the numerous snakes and reptiles in the room. She wouldn't clutch her arms and be on guard for attacking animals any more, and you could see the development she made. Especially the lizards had started to grow on her. Her absolute favorite thing in there was the winged lizard.

Nicky and Sunny had both grown a bond with The Incredibly Deadly Viper, especially Sunny. Stars appeared in her eyes whenever she entered the reptile room, and she ran over to the big cage. She and Nicky had not only bonded with the snake, but also with each other, and Sunny practically viewed Nicky as a second older brother.

Regarding Montgomery himself; the kids had certainly developed a familiar friendship with him. Violet and Klaus, who had been suspicious at first, found that they felt very happy to be in the care of the scientist. Of course, the quads did as well. For the first time since their parents died, they all felt genuinely happy and safe. For some time, they thought what Monty had said was true. The unfortunate cycle was over, and they were actually going to live with Montgomery from now on. Unfortunately, the sad truth would come crashing down on them like a boulder very very soon.

On the tenth day of staying with Monty, the children were as usual in the Reptile Room. Dicky, Nicky and Sunny had a fun time feeding the turtles with headphones bananas. Violet had a little conversation with the broken hearted crocodile, even though she knew it couldn't understand her. Dawn sat by the researching desk and played with the flying lizard. Half an hour earlier Monty had left to go into town to buy some thing he liked to keep in stock. Such as canned peaches. Before he left he had told them that today was the day when they would watch their first movie at the movie theatre. They were all excited for it.

"I wonder what we'll be watching," Dawn stated while happily letting the winged lizard climb all over her arms.

"Monty said we were going to watch some very important and very special movies," Violet reminded her.

"Do you think the movie will be about reptiles?" Nicky asked.

"Possibly," Violet answered.

The crocodile next to her let out a depressed-sounding sound, which was also known as its mating call.

"I'm sorry," Violet looked gloomily at the broken hearted crocodile. "you won't be able to come with us."

"No need to worry. I don't think he wants to," Nicky grinned.

"True," Violet nodded. "Maybe he said he misses Monty."

"Hey Croc!" Dicky leaned over the table to look at the big reptile. "Monty's coming back soon, dude!"

At that precise moment, someone came through the door. It was not Monty, but it was Ricky and Klaus, carrying a big cobra. They had been up in Monty's room for a while, trying to lure it out of his sock drawer. Dawn leaned back a little when they entered. She wasn't quite fine with the snakes she knew to be dangerous yet.

"I don't know about that," Klaus replied to Dicky. "It's a long way to town, and Monty's only been gone for half an hour."

"Hush!" Dicky put a finger in front of his mouth. "We're trying to cheer him up!" he gestured to the crocodile.

"He can't understand you," Ricky pointed out.

"I know," Dicky raised his eyebrows.

"So why are you talking to it?" Ricky asked.

"Come on, Ricky, you talked to Squishy all the time!" Nicky pointed out.

"Who's Squishy?" Violet asked.

It was first then when the Harpers realized they had never mentioned Squishy. They looked at each other, sadness filling their eyes. None of them had gone deep into thought about how much they missed him.

"Squishy Paws was our dog," Dawn told the Baudelaires.

"We don't know where he is now," Ricky explained further.

"Oh," Violet gave them a reassuring smile. "I'm sorry about that. I'm sure Squishy Paws is great."

"I hope so," Nicky sighed.

During the next ten seconds, not a lot happened. Ricky put the cobra back in its cage, Klaus went up to the desk, and the others remained where they were before.

"On a more urgent matter than your lost dog," Klaus pulled something out of a drawer. "I found this earlier."

It was a blueprint. The quads, Violet and Sunny went up to join Klaus and look at the blueprint. At a first glance, no one was sure what they were looking at. Then;

"It's the blueprint of Montgomery's landscaping," Klaus said.

It clicked for the others, and they realized that the complicated shape they were looking at was the hedges next to Montgomery's house.

"It looks just like the eye tattoo Count Olaf has on his leg," Dawn said, sounding a bit weirded out.

"It's a sign of evil," Klaus stated.

"But... Monty's not evil," Nicky unsurely said. "Right?..."

"He seems so nice," said Ricky.

"Things aren't always what they seem," Klaus pointed out.

"If Monty's in cahoots with Count Olaf, that would explain why our parents never mentioned him," Violet reasoned. She didn't want to believe what she said.

Their conversation was abruptly interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing. All seven heads were turned towards the door to the reptile room.

"Is Monty back?" Dawn asked.

"He wouldn't ring his own doorbell," Violet said truthfully. "This is someone else."

"Do we... answer?" Nicky looked at the others, a bit of worry in his eye.

Klaus decided by nodding. As they walked out into the hall, he also turned out to lead the group to the door. Despite that fact, Violet was the one to open the door. They all looked at the man outside.

He was tall; around six foot, and was bald. His head looked a bit obscure though, like it wasn't meant to be bald. The man's eyes looked giant behind a pair of very big, round glasses. Above the eyes were no eyebrows at all. Not two, not one long. He had a long, gray beard, and wore a lab coat. A large, ugly smile adorned his face.

"Good morning," the man said in a very high pitched Italian accent. "I am Stephano, Doctor Montgomery Montgomery's new assistant."

Even though the man introduced himself as Stephano, the children easily recognized him as someone else. They all got sick feelings in their stomachs, and felt themselves freeze inside the house.

"It's afternoon, so it would be good afternoon," Klaus corrected. "And we know you're Count Olaf."

"We're not gonna let you into this house," Violet said strictly.

Dawn took the next step of action, which was to close the door in Stephano's face. Before the door was fully closed though, she was stopped. Stephano had ripped a knife out of his pocket, and put it between the door and the frame, thus stopping the door from closing.

The smile was not gone from his face as he looked into the house. He took the knife out of the door.

"Well, I see you children haven't changed a bit," he said bitterly.

The children started backing away as Stephano held up the knife in front of him and started walking towards them.

"You're still stubborn as ever."

"Yes we are," Dawn concurred. "and we will keep on being stubborn if that gets rid of you again."

"Careful, careful children," Stephano held the knife up higher. "If you don't calm down, _Stephano", _his voice went high pitched and Italian again as he said his name, "might get confused by you calling him Count Olaf, and he might accidentally cut one of you with his knife."

The children could feel the situation getting more serious. They started backing up the stairs. Violet, who had picked Sunny up by the door, held onto her sister tighter.

"Now, let's talk about a more important matter," Stephano continued. "Your dead parents, and their fortune."

"You have nothing to do with our parents!" Violet argued.

"Oh but I do! I knew them you see," Stephano sniggered.

"How did you-" Klaus began, before getting cut off.

_SCREEEECH SCREEEECH!_

The Screeching Iguana clock burst out right in front of Stephano. He got so startled that he almost fell backwards.

"Run!" Dawn instructed the others.

They were off down the stairs on the other side of the clock. The clock screeched a couple more times, giving them an extra head start in front of Stephano. What Klaus didn't notice was that the strange device he had held onto fell out of his pocket. Led by Dawn, the group ran back into the reptile room. Violet slammed the door behind them. Just a second later, they could hear the knife stabbing the door. Then came Stephano. He began trying to open the door, but of course he was fooled by the multiple fake security gears.

The children inside breathed in and out harshly, as they thought of what could have happened if they had waited one more second to close the door. Another terrifying thought also made its way into their heads.

Count Olaf had found them here, in the middle of nowhere at the end of a smelly lane. This led to them realizing that he could find them wherever they went. It would only be a question of time before he found out if they were to leave again.

Then, much to their relief, they could hear a car pull up outside.

Monty was back.

The pounding, grunting and shouting on the other side of the Reptile Room door stopped immediately. The Harpers and Baudelaires listened intently as Monty went inside and started talking to Stephano. They couldn't make out a lot of words, but understood that Stephano was trying to convince Monty he was a kind human. Soon, footsteps walking up the stairs was heard, and not long after that, Monty walked through the Reptile Room door. He closed it behind him, and looked down at the children, slight suspicion in his eyes, and a small smile on his lips.

"That man isn't who he says he is, right?" he asked the children.

"He's not," Violet confirmed.

Monty turned around and opened the door again. He began speaking loudly.

"I understand that you were frightened of this man, but I assure there is nothing to fear," he took a break to shake his head and mouth '_yes there is_'. "The reason for him chasing you up the stairs with a knife is that it is part of an exercise regimen he follows. Stephano will be staying here with us, for he is my new assistant," he shook his head again, and made a disgusted face with his tongue out. "So we're all in the clear?"

"Yes," Ricky nodded and spoke loudly. "We are."

"I see now that he is just a normal person," Violet said loud enough for Stephano to hear. "Maybe I'll join him in his exercise regimen sometime."

Monty put a hand over his mouth to cover up giggling.

"I thought you said he was not nice," Dicky hissed.

This time, Monty held up a finger in front of his mouth in order to tell Dicky to be quiet.

"We're all safe with Stephano in the house," he said. Or as you would say to be more truthful;

_"We're all safe with Stephano in the house," he lied._

* * *

As Monty had promised, the group were going to the movie theatre that evening. This meant that Stephano would have to come along, as none of the others wanted to leave him alone with the reptiles. Convincing him had taken some time, but soon Stephano was on board.

Soon, they realized taking him with them wouldn't be safe either. When Monty, the Baudelaires, Nicky and Dicky were outside waiting for Dawn, Ricky and Stephano, Monty had almost been killed already. Stephano had "accidentally" dropped a porslin vase right where they were standing. It missed Monty just by an inch.

When everyone had joined them, they were off for the city (but not without some more knife threats from Stephano). A very tense twenty-minute ride later, they were outside the cinema. No one was by the ticket stand, so they walked right up.

"Hello there, old chap!" Monty greeted the ticket seller.

"Hello Montgomery," the ticket seller answered.

"Two adults, seven minors, please," Monty said.

"Wonderful. I'm giving you the Verified Film Discount for that," the ticket seller pronounced as he gave them their tickets.

"Lovely," Monty grinned. "Thank you, thank you old chap."

Monty took the tickets and the group went inside.

"What movie are we watching?" Dicky asked.

"We won't know that until we're inside," Monty asked cheerfully.

"That's strange," Dawn frowned.

"There are many strange things in life, young Miss Harper," Monty kept calmly saying. "Life is a conundrum esoterica."

The quads didn't know what that meant, while the Baudelaires knew it meant "life is a mystery of obscure objects".

"I'll buy us popcorn," Stephano volunteered when they entered the theatre.

"Thank you, Stephano," Monty thanked him.

He then led the children into the theatre room. It was pretty much empty. The only people in there were a family with a couple of children, a business man who looked very misplaced, and an old lady who had nothing exciting going on in her life at all. The Baudelaires, Harpers and Montgomery sat down in an empty row of seats.

"I am so happy to finally be seeing a movie with all of you," Monty said, a big grin on his face (as usual). "Your parents would be so proud."

"That we're watching a movie?" Ricky asked hesitantly.

"Oh, it's not just a movie," Monty stated. "This is so much more than a movie. There's more to a movie than just a story. But we'll have to wait to talk about that until we're rid of you-know-who."

The Baudelaires nodded understandingly, while the Harpers could only think of a villain from a popular movie series when Monty said 'you-know-who'.

"Now I must ask something of you, children," Monty suddenly turned serious.

"What?" Violet asked.

"If I leave at any time during the movie, you will not let that man out of your sight."

This sentence worried the children. Why would Monty leave?

"Okay. We won't," Klaus agreed.


End file.
